So this is my depression story,

Hey, I’m maitee and I’m gonna tell you my story, it’s not that interesting so click away if you don’t want to read it.

For those who are still there, I’m just gonna start talking.

It all started last year at the end of February, I started feeling… I don’t know… bad I guess.

I was confused. Why was I feeling like this? I started asking myself those kinds of questions. I had everything: A good family, a nice home, friends, even a best friend… let’s name her X.

After a month  I decided to do some research and I started looking for depression symptoms. I took a few depression self-tests and they all came out positive. I didn’t want to believe it at first but then another month later I just gave in to the thought that I was depressed.  I told X, she was the first person who I trusted enough to tell. She tried to help me through it, but it didn’t help that much. I was happy she was there for me though, I guess you could say she was my rock. Another month and nothing had changed, I decided my mom since I could always trust her with other things I thought that she would understand this too. (FYI she’s a therapist so of course, I thought she would understand.) I told her I was depressed and she didn’t believe me, that crushed me. If she wouldn’t believe me who would? I kept everything in even for X. I felt so bad, dead, empty…

Summer break; the first two weeks I went to a camp, that is probably the best experience I’ve ever had. I was happy… like really happy… I thought it was all over. But of course, I wouldn’t be here if that stayed that way.  After camp, I went home and things started turning again, I was still quite happy but not as happy as before. Oh right, I forgot to tell you that while I was in the camp I started developing feelings for someone. That was the first time I was really in love. Of course, I have had people I liked before, but this, this was real. I don’t like feelings so when I first realized that I was in love I hated myself for it.  But I loved every second I spent with that person.    The day I was back from camp I immediately texted X to tell her about everything.

Fast forward to the last week of summer break. I was actually looking forward to going back to school, IDK why. I guess because I thought I was happy that I would be happy forever, well that didn’t happen. The minute I walked into school, I’m not kidding, that minute everything came back to me. I was depressed again, maybe it was all the bad memories of the place that brought it back or maybe the depression was still in me and I just forgot about it, I don’t know but it came back. those months everything went downhill. The first month was fine, I was hiding myself and pretending to be happy.  The second month I couldn’t handle it anymore and decided that I would tell my mom again so I could go to a therapist. I broke down then, this time she did believe me. I went to a therapist but that didn’t work out. I went to her for three months I think, I didn’t like her and she was giving me false hope.  I even lied to her, I just told her about how difficult school was for me but I never let it show that I was depressed. At that time I was a little bit suicidal. I had a friend and he was on the point of killing himself, he didn’t tho. I’m really glad he didn’t, I don’t know what I would’ve done if he did it. Things started to go wrong with X too, I was so negative that I pushed her away I guess. She ignored me for three weeks straight, she even convinced another friend of mine to ignore me too. I had no clue why. After those three weeks and after I broke down in front of her and she just walked away, she told me why. Not even face-to-face, no, she sent it in a message saying that I was a fake friend. I don’t know why she thought of me like that. I had other friends too, we were in the same friend group of six, two of them hating me, they all told me that they wouldn’t leave me and that they were so mad at those two. They did tho… they left me… I tried to be friends again and solve everything but everyone was so convinced that I was a bad person and honestly I thought I was a bad person to even tho I didn’t do anything.  I changed school in January, no, not completely because of the fights but mostly because of the school itself, I hated it there, and it hated me.

New school new start right? Nope, not really, even people there knew about what happened between me and X. I told myself I wouldn’t trust people anymore. I do tho. There are people who I trust but I’m just careful about what I say to them. And there is this one girl…ugh…I hate her. She spreads rumors about me and my clothing and it makes me really uncomfortable. If it wasn’t bad to punch someone I would’ve done it already. So that’s where I am now, still depressed, different school, no best friend, fucked up thoughts. yay

Thank you for reading so far, it really means a lot to me.

xx maitee