My sleep schedule is so messed up. I'm exhausted all day long, but then in the early a.m. I'm up and ready to go…just like right now at 4 a.m. I've been up for an hour already. But right now I have no desire to sleep whatsoever. I'm debating on taking a sleeping pill just to knock myself out, otherwise I'll be up until the sun rises. Maybe this has something to do with my phobia of wanting to sleep whenthere'slight outside, preferably sunshine. I just feel safer. I know that's a weird thing to say because I'm not afraid of the dark, but I am afraid of nightmares and no one to wake or console me or convince me that it was justa dream. Some of these medications cause very vivid dreams, and I often wake up from them feeling confused and lost, and sometimes in emotional hell. So many of them are poignant.

Right now the only sound I hear is the train passing by about a half mile away. Pretty soon he will have passed us and the sound will melt away, leaving silence in it's place. Why is it that the sound oftrains makes me lonely at night?

So today we ran around doing minor shopping and just looking at things. We met my best friend for lunch and plotted her boyfriend's birthday ~ going out to an amazing restaurant and then staying the night in a hotel, allwithout the kids… I think we'll all enjoy ourselves.We've also got a night out with the kids planned ~ we're going to take them to a hockey game in Orlando, go out to eat and spend the night. The other outing is adult's only. I sometimes forget how important it is to have time just as a person, not a parent.

On to a different topic ~ my anxiety has gone way down and I'm so grateful for that. Depressive thoughts continue to creep in, but I'm trying to deal with each thought as it comes. That's all I know how to do.The last couple of days have beenbetter than before…maybe the Celexa is helping now that I've been back onit for2-3 days. I'veGOT to change pharmacies ~ again they messed up and someone entered my script into thecomputer wrong, typingin that I needed 3 pills instead of 30. They backtracked until they found the originalprescrition (which said 30 of course) and I had to pick up the rest of the pills tonight. This is the4th time they've screwed up a prescription somehow in the last month.

I was proud of myself last night. I took some "me time" and did some more cleaning and decorating in the apartment. My husband helped with a few of the things I couldn't do (not strong enough) and then I worked on things for about 2 hours. At least now the bedroom area looks tolerable and like I put some love into it. The next part is doing the "living room" (we have a divider in the room that separates the bedroom into 2 spaces). This one my husband has to help me with because so much of the clutter is his things. I don't want to mistakenly throw away something important to him.

I'm rambling. I treat my blog more like a journal than anything else. My mind tends to jump from one thing to another randomly, and so do my blog entries. I hope you all had a good night's rest. I'm going to go take my sleeping pill. Maybe I can still get another 4 hours of sleep in…

((((HUGS))))) to everyone.


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