So, yesterday, I had this cab driver who (quite seriously) asserted that he is incapable of "falling ill" because he is protected by a "force field" from God.  I wanted to ask if the force field extended around the whole cab, because I haven’t been feeling well lately.

Listening to Elliott Smith, and smoking, at present.

"I’m a color reporter
(Rose City on the 409)
But the city’s been bled white
(White city on the yellow line)
And the doctor orders
(Drinking to distraction’s just a waste of time)
Drinks all night to take away this curse
But it makes me feel much worse

Bled white"

Making it through yesterday was pretty hard.  I was really jacked up, and today I feel raw as hell, and I know it’s only going to get worse as the night goes on.  No one’s available – no one is going to be around.  I am such a [email protected] mess.  I keep trying to pull myself back together.  To make sense of everything bouncing around in my head…

To balance the contradictions in my life – contradictions that I cannot stop looking at.  I fixate.  I know better – but, it’s not all about the past.  Some of it involves the present, and the future.

Charlie saw that I was hurting, earlier, and he tried to talk to me.  I am glad he did, because he said something I needed to hear.  Maybe, I needed to hear it from him, specifically – I don’t know.  But, when I said that I hated myself for some of the things that I did when I was manic, and strung out, he said, "anything wrong that you did…  you’ve long since paid for, a hundred times over."  Tears welled up in my eyes, and I couldn’t hold them back.  I whispered, "thank you," but I don’t know if he heard me.  I thanked him, again, later, when we were walking to the el, and he said he was happy he could help me in some way. 

"So I wait for the F-Train
(White city on the yellow line)
And connect through a friend of mine
(White city to a friend of mine)
To a yesterday dream
(Yesterday a dream was just a waste of time)
‘Cause I’d have to be high to drag the sunset down
And paint this paling town

Bled white"

I feel so close to the edge, lately.  I don’t know why I can’t get this crap out of my head.  I tell myself "I reject this!"  But, it doesn’t take. 

I keep thinking about…  a lot of things, really.  But, one of them was what my friend said about figuring out what the hell I wanted.  He said I needed to figure out what I wanted, and start fighting for it.  He said that if I didn’t start trying to hold onto something, tightly, that I might find that it’s all slipping away, at once.  I don’t think any of the things I might want, on an inter-personal level, are things that I can really fight for, at the moment.  Maybe, I am just making excuses to keep one foot inside the door, and one out, but Charlie still doesn’t know if he wants me, and his uncertainty, over this much time, has fed some uncertainty of my own. 

"So here he comes with a blank expression
‘Specially for me, ‘cos he knows I feel the same
‘Cause happy and sad come in quick succession
I’m never going to become what you became"

I got some new pictures developed, today.  My photography stuff…  and, they look great.  I was stoked to see that.  I need to get my sh*t together quick if I am going to be in that September show.  Mags and I are supposed to get cracking, putting stuff on mat board this weekend.  That will be very helpful. 

I have been fighting negative thoughts all day.  Really FIGHTING…  just, trying hard to ward off stupid trains of thought, and harmful impulse…  I have been working on a sketch of tree that has helped calm me at times.  It’s a sketch pen piece, so there’s no smudging – all shading, and depiction of texture has to be done with some manner of cross hatch.  

There really is so much I want to do.  That’s why I get so frustrated with myself when I am sitting around, feeling bored.  There is so much that I want, and need to be doing.  But, I have been physically ill this week, and that slowed me down, but I have also been on the verge of hysterics at times. 

Hope the increase in the meds is helpful.

I bought veggies and cherries today, to much on, and a tasty cake – Charlie and I never celebrated making it three months into this no-heroin quest.  I felt a tres leche cake was in order.  Decidedly un-vegan, but it’s my favorite kind of cake, and his too.

"Don’t you dare disturb me
(Don’t complicate my peace of mind)
While I’m balancing my past
(Don’t complicate my peace of mind)
‘Cos you can’t help or hurt me
(The anger, being mean was just a waste of time)
Like it already has, I may not seem quite right
But I’m not fucked, not quite

Bled white
Bled white"  (Elliott Smith, "Bled White")

I hope I get to talk to Ace, soon.  I need to get my head on straight.  I will not make it through another pain-fest like last night without [email protected] something up.  I am certain of that.  I just need to get it together.  Ace always helps me.  Hopefully, he’ll be around before too long.


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