Lately I have been extremely paranoid. I know it’s irrational, but I seriously feel like there is a conspiracy amongst everyone–everyone–I know to be nice to me but to secretly hate me and think the worst of me, and that everyone is in on it together and one day they are all going to punk me with it and laugh at my gullibility. Whenever I get complimented I can only think that it’s facetious, part of this conspiracy. I have no faith in myself, I guess, so I am convinced that others must hate me as much as I hate me, which is honestly a lot.

I don’t even want to go outside anymore because strangers are the worst, not only am I afraid they hate me, but I am super paranoid that they are going to try and harm me in some way. I am especially phobic of strange men, I’m convinced they are all potential muggers and rapists. I know it’s not rational but it’s powerful enough to keep me pretty much housebound.

I dropped out of college from paranoia not only of being around strangers on the MUNI, but also paranoia that my teachers and fellow students were "in on it" and were just trying to play an extremely elaborate prank on my by pretending to be nice. It makes no logical sense, but it was powerful enough to destroy my ability to function as a student three semesters in a row, wasting my time, hurting my potential, and wasting my parents’ money.

The only parts of my life right now that are paranoia-free are going to the local diner to get breakfast (my only outing), talking with my girlfriend, and playing with my rat. Those are literally the only things I have any faith in to love me, the only things I can completely trust. I don’t know how it got this bad, but this is how I live now, practically housebound and constantly reassurance-seeking.

I already take 5mg Zyprexa for my paranoia, too. So this is my life with the drugs.