My worst fear is not being able to speak…

But when asked if I’m okay I don’t.Speak. 

The thing that they say I should do

Speak about your problems but who will truly understand?

I get told by doctors, friends, parents just speak

Why? Something inside me wants to.  another side of me is thinking 

I can’t trust them, they’ll just leave like the last person

So, speak they say fuking speak but I can’t…

The feeling of being trapped inside your own body is like seeing a light that is not there

It’s like being in a cage that no one sees

It’s like being in the darkest place and unable to explain or ask for help

Huh, help.

Help they say it will help 

Just ‘’get help’’

One part of me wants to so badly but the other part says ‘’dont show weakness’’

‘’Dont show weakness’’ but I AM WEAK I CAN NOT BE STRONG ANYMORE

Weak

This weak is not being able to move

This weak is not being able to fight

This weak not being able to ask for help

THIS WEAK is being unheard

Somedays my mixed depression is like its never existed 

But most days my mixed depression is like being dead, trapped, and on top of this

My mixed depression is not only a feeling but its a voice

A voice that never stops

I put on fabricated smiles so people dont ask if I’m ok’’

And counterfeit laughs

Why? Because im not

I AM NOT OKAY

Okay? 

DO YOU HEAR ME I’m not okay,

Some people will say ‘oh you’re just sad’’ or ‘’oh it’s just a phase’’ OR ‘’OH YOU JUST WANT ATTENTION’’.

Attention. The one thing I need but won’t accept

I avoid attention because I put everyone’s needs before mine

Because I dont want them to feel the way I do

A people pleaser they may call it 

Yeah, well maybe I am.

Most of the time I care more for others than I do for myself

More than i need for myself

But my mixed depression says ‘’Make them happy maybe you get some back’’

But you see this is a tactic my mixed depression uses to drain me even more till i cant feel

I am trapped inside my own body 

I am numb

‘’I alone’’ my mixed depression says 

‘’Youll never be enough’’ my mixed depression says 

JUST KILL YOURSELF and make it all go away. 

My mixed depression is not only ‘’a feeling’’  its many things 

My mixed depression is a feeling, a voice, a thought, an illusion but yet it’s NOT its unbearably real

‘’It’s just an illusion’’…….

Most days i just tell myself that to make it ‘’go away’’

BUT IT DOSNT IT WONT

My mixed depression is now me.

I see this happening to myself but I am so trapped I can’t get out

My mixed depression why don’t you just go away?

Now im not too to strong with religion but iv grown up with it so i think to myself

MY DID GOD CHOOSE ME?

DOES GOD HATE ME?

No, they say ‘’god loves you’’

If god loved me why would this happen?

If god has the good great almighty power of all

And we are his children

WHY is my mixed depression winning?

I am a believer god but WHERE ARE YOU

Huh, My mixed depression is this endless road of overthinking

Overthinking all  the small things that ‘’shouldn’t matter’’

But they matter to me 

But do they?

Or does my mixed depression make the illusion so that I overthink think I do’’

overThinking

Overthinking is being stuck inside your own head

Overthinking is being trapped in a loophole that never ends

Overthinking is being told ‘’your so negative’’ and years later still thinking about it

Why? Because i never got an apology but that for another time

For now, that is only a small part 

Of my mixed depression.