I’m in a bit of a bind at the moment. I’m feeling anxious and insecure and depressed but the cause is something most people generally consider "immature" or stupid or whatever. But how does that change anything? I still feel the way I do and I can’t help that. I’m trying to be rational, I’m trying to find myself, to find some strength, but I have no one to talk to. Any time I mention my fear or pain, I’m told to just "forget about it" for various reasons and if it were that simple, I would but it’s not and I can’t.
Over a year ago, my boyfriend said something. A few things about something. He’d talked about this something before in various places and with various people so when he said it this last time, it hurt very badly and I didn’t buy his excuses. Today, he seems to be over this thing and wants me to forget it too but it hurts me when I’m reminded of it. It clenches onto my insecurity and my pain and anger and makes me want to do stupid things. Drastically change my hair, lose loads of weight at almost any cost, change my personality and likes and dislikes, everything. I want to become someone else entirely, start all over again.
I don’t know if I want to discuss it with anyone because I don’t know if there is anyone who would understand. One girl did when this was all going on and she stood up for me and it made me cry to have that sort of defense. I feel like I need to dissect it, understand it, find myself, find my own strength and person, and cast it aside and I can’t do that when I’m being told things like, "Oh, that’s very immature." or "Get over it, that’s normal." or whatever because with me, it’s not just immaturity or normalcy. Being depressed and full of doubt, fear, and self-hatred makes a lot of things most people view as nothing into everything and only someone who has been there or is there could understand. But I think within the coming month, it’ll cause a pretty big problem for me and my boyfriend and our relationship and I feel helpless to stop it because I can already feel the wheels beginning to wobble on their tracks and a wreck seems imminent.