So I think I should probably start going more into detail about myself. I mean I've feel as if I've been so welcomed here, so I thought Imight as well share a bit more about myself.

This is about my school years, it's just a rough-ish outline. And to go against my own advice, I do believe in comparision to others, it isn't much. But this is some of my childhood.

I was always a bit of an overally emotional and strange child. I would get overally excited and act out then spend the rest of the day on feeling guilty beyond belief. Even the smallest of things, if I was ever told I had done wrong, I truely believe I had dissapointed, upset, or ashamed someone and would then beat myself up about it.

I come from a large family, I have 3 siblings, so contending for attention was hard; and I often sank into the background.This was never much of a problem, other then that and being overally shy socially unless someone was twice my age. I was bullied in school and the usual there. Until I reached about 8.

We moved to America for a year; we had moved to the south of france a couple years back; so I knew what to expect. New School, new people etc. It was all jsut part of my Dad's work.

I didn't fit much, but I was like a fish out of water, it was expected. I got bullied by the local kids; nothing new, just kids being well, kids.

It didn't become a problem until we moved back to England. My Dad had decided he wanted to Migratte to America. He liked it; but my mum and siblings (as well as myself) did not. We had my Grandad & Nan and my cousins here; and I had been brought up with them. So after many arguements, it was settled. We were staying in England. Though I guess my Dad didn't really stay with us. He just, gave up.

He would rarely play with us anymore; and after a while stopped completely. Then rows became a constant part of my family life. My mum would have to work herself to the bone to just buy us school clothes; whilst my Dad brought a new car. If it wasn't for my Grandad I wouldn't have had school shoes.

I started spending more time with my Grandad then my actual Dad. My Grandad and Nan would make my siblings and myself breakfeast in the morning, help us with homework, look after us when Mum was too busy working so we could have clothes, take us in the morning when my mum couldn't, because she had an early start. During any school holidays, weekends and one evening a week we were shipped off to my grandad's. My dad didn't want to spend his free time looking after us, and my mum had work, or we didn't live.

Then my Dad started getting verbal. My brother has servere dyslexia, it runs in the family; most of my siblings and myself, my mum, my grandad etc; we all have dyslexia. But my brothers is the worst of us all, and my Dad didn't understand it. He looked at my brother as being thick; and would constantly tell him so, ask him why he was soo stupid. After a while my brother would talk back, and that's when fights would start.

My older sister would try and stop them; without much sucess, and my Grandad often had to be called round to split them up. This was when my brother was 11ish.

I had my run in's with my Dad as well, though I often asked for them by pushing too far. I sturggled controling my emotions, and as such would act out when things were too much for me.

Whilst this happened I struggled with school, I couldn't concentrate, I was a social recluse. I truely believe no one would want to talk to me; and as such I was such a target for bullying. It started off as just cruel children and as I grew, it turned to violence. It's caused one the the fractures in my collar bone and one of the breaks. My first day in uppper school I got in a fight with a 6th former. That's a 16-18 year old beating on a 11-12year old.At this point, my brother, cousins and so on, started bullying me as well. I had become a rather chubby, strange boy; and as such they bullied me for it. I was mocked continously. I was the ugly, fat one. I would get into fights with them, and felt pushed out by my own family.

As School continued, the bullying became worse.It even got to the point where the "popluar" girls would cover my shirts in perminant marker, which dictated how ugly, stupid and useless I was. If I layed into them, their boyfriends in the year above and their friends would beat be. So I got into a lot of fights. I tried to force people to leave me alone and that made it worse. Family life continued to plummet; and eventually we convinced my mum it was time to split with my dad.

Then came on of the strangest things I've ever felt guilty for; my dad came to tell me he was moving out. I didn't know what to say; I had known before he did, and he seemed strangely upset by it. I still beat myself up to this day about it; and he doesn't know any of this. I feel as if I betrayed my blood and family.

After that point… i discovered drugs. Now i never got into hardcore stuff, it wasn't readily available around me, or else I probably would have. But by the age of thirteen I was smoking soo much weed, I started drinking, I started smoking ciggerattes. I just plummetted and went on a cycle of destruction that lasted until I was 18/19. Drugs were a way to escape life, alcohol was a way to sleep and ciggerettes helps me deal with stress. School got worse. I stopped working altogether.

After a while teachers got feed up of me, one even got to the point of encouraging the class to bully me. They got the whole class to tell me how useless I was and how shit I was. Then wondered why I stormed out throwing stalls and flipping tables.

People starting pushing me further, I started pushing back harder. It got to the point where I started using chairs and stools as a way to get people to leave me alone. I started snapping at my family, and anyone who got close. I didn't want them round me, and didn't see why they'd want to be round me.

I started self harming at 16, at first it was my wrists, then I learnt how to hide it. Moving up to cutting my upper arms, then to my thighs, then I learnt that burns were easier to hide and have a readily available reason for. I was known as being clumsy around the oven from then on.

I passed my GCSE's without any of my coursework or revison, which was lucky, though I only scrapped through with C's; except for Business Studies, pureply because my teacher was patient and had time for me. I passed that with A's.

So I moved into 6th form, and I started 6th form. This is when I started to realise how bad I was. I started drinking during the week. I would turn up to school hungover, or slightly drunk. I would "party" hard on my weekends. People thought I was just a party person, they didn't realise I jsut drank to forget, and I have a lot I wanted to forget, and a lot I wanted my brain to just stop. I soon became known as a bit of a wild person. But it wasn't until my psychology teachers that I started to realise why.

We started studying topics close to home, depression, self harm, low self confidence, abuse, anxiety, all of it seemed far to familiar to me. Then I realised how bad. My teacher was an ex psychologist; she had retired to take care of her disabled son. She would often perform psychological readings on members of the class but there were three of us she avoided like the plague. One we discovered suffered from anorexia when she had a relapse. the other I don't know, all I know is he had a family history of depression, and his mother in particular suffered from severe SAD. Myself? Well I guess it's because my Dr classes me as severely depressed.

Then I was acussed of selling drugs in school, I hadn't been. I couldn't deal with the acussing looks I would get from the teachers and I left.

That's my school years. roughly. Theres a few things missing, which I'd rather not get into, and some things which are just too personal for me. But it's a basic outline.

Sorry it's soo long, and thank you if you read it, or even attempted, or just skimmed.

1 Comment
  1. Aswa 10 years ago

    Thanks for sharing. I hear you and I wish you peace, Aswa.

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