Interestingly enough, I just had a dream about them last night. We were shopping at an old mall I went to in highschool. Weird, huh?

Anyway, I was initially crushed. I mean, the implications are not only painfully clear – they're exactly what I fear to be true: That, even though I was good enough for 6.5 years (or so I was led to believe for those 6.5 years), I’m not good enough for them now.

I know I'm crazy and whatnot… and I will admit the rift between me and S towards the end was growing. He was more and more dissatisfied with his job and I was more and more dissatisifed with being put in the impossible position of making both him AND the LAA supervisor happy – even though the expectations of each were at opposite ends of the spectrum. I felt abandonned by him because he wouldn't back me up with her… and I was (and still am) disgusted with her for not addressing the right party. It felt like all I did was annoy and offend S… and then when I'd feel comfy with S, I had HR harping on me for working too many hours, taking off too much time to deal with my daycare issues, etc. I’m sure by then, already annoyed with his job, S felt like all I did was goof off and/orcause him problems. Given my "attitude problem" and all. (I was pissed at HR, not him… but he could have done more to support me, too.) Anyway… it still hurts to hear you’re rejected – even when you half-expected it, and especially from a third-party.

Anyway, my friend felt horrible. She thought I’d known! (Funny how so many people here thought – and still think – the 3 of us are still somewhat close, considering how distant it felt they kept me when they were here!) Anyway, my friend – Miss Clear Headed, I’ll call her – threw out a couple of theories to make me feel better:a) they can’t afford to pay me what they feel I’m worth; and/or, b) they didn’t know I was still interested in working with them.

On the surface, both sound ludicrous to me.I’m making less now than I suspect at least one (if not both) of their current assistants are making. And, how could they NOT know how much I wanted to come with them? Was I speaking in tongues when I told S? (Or was he just not listening??) Were he and A blind to my fruitless efforts to stop crying???

So… throwing caution to the wind, I texted A. At the very least, I wanted her (and, subsequently, S) to know that I knew. Kind of a “see what happens when you try to keep things from people” lesson. But, more importantly, I wanted to befair to them.So, I asked A if they’d even consider their “crazy old LAA” and her response was vague and perplexing. She asked if I spoke with S… (so now I know they really are looking and that S makes the decision). When I said I didn’t and wasn’t sure he’d even talk to me anyway, she said “well there’s only one way to find out! But he’s out today…” So… that’s a “yes”? Or, as the pessimist in me suspects, is itmore of a “hell if I’m going to do S's dirty work for him.”

Ugh. My nagging doubts and fears are telling me not to call.Keep my dignity.They have my number.If they want me, they can call me.And if they don’t, why subject myself to the pain of being rejected again?

But my reason kicks in and reminds me this is a job – not a romance. Steady work – especially if you enjoy it and like the people you're working with – is worth a loss of dignity. Besides – what dignity did I leave myself by blubbering like a collicky child when they left? :p

My need to move on to a more involved, more challenging job compels me to at least ask.After all, maybe S figures I’m happy where I’m at or I’d call him.It has been almost a year and, the last time we spoke, I didn’t open up to him.I couldn’t.What was I going to do?Repeat myself for the 20^th time?Not only was I on a work phone, wherethere were actually people sitting closely enough to hear me, but dammit I was still hurting!

Oy ve… there are more sides in my head tonight than a [insert large geometry shape here]!!

Jeebus I wish I didn’t think so much before I made a choice.I wish I could just decide on a path and stick to it, never wondering if the scenery and destination on my path were any different than those on another path.

I considered seeking counsel from the Hubby.However, the Hubby never liked me working with S and, even if he could get past that, I just don’t think he’s objective enough to give me good counsel.In my grieving the loss of S and A, I’m afraid I’d vented too many of their foibles to keep him objective.

But then again… maybe I need subjective advise?

Oh hell… if anyone who’s taken the time to read all of this have anything to say – positive, negative, moderate, pointless, WHATEVER – please do so.If nothing else, you’ll get me out of the vacuum of my head!!