Ok here's the thing. I used to always go on about how alone I felt, How I felt that nobody was there I could talk to. Then I realised how many friends and loved ones I had. But now,.. It's different. Now, I still have most of those friends and loved ones but… I can't talk to them. I don't know what it is but after a while I start to get paranoid that they'll get sick of trying to help, sick of trying to comfort an ever whining me. Like, if I try to talk to them again or confide, or even just cry in front of them, they'll just ignore it, or just grow tired of it and i'll lose a friend. I know what you're all thinking, ''No, they love you, they're there for you all the time'' and the slightest part of me knows that, but, everyone has their limits. And no matter how close I am to someone, I don't know where that limit is.
Most of my friends are off and away and what have you. Having babies, Going out, spending time with their new lovers. And i'm still here, just left alone recovering from my being cheated on and breaking down into 1000 tiny pieces that i'm still trying to find and clean up. It's like… I lost part of myself, and i'm worried i'll never get it back.
I do know there is a part of me that I DEFINATELY wont get back, that part he took from me. But now i'm just hanging on in the hope that I can muddle through without that. And like I don't know, risk living with just cats for the rest of my life.
It has now been half a year, exactly half a year to the very hour, and i'm still grieving. Obviously it's not half as bad as it was, but i'm still on anti-depressants and i'm ever so alone. The thing is, I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know who I am, or where i'm going. I thought I had my life perfectly set out, I suddenly knew what I wanted to do, I knew how I was going to do it. But now… It all just seems so… Empty.
I don't expect that anyone has read this far because i'm really honestly just rambling here i'm not looking for sympathy, or attention or advice. I just needed to rant, get it out.
I hardly cry anymore, Not on the outside. Every now and again i'll shed afew tears but most of the time my tears are dry. I'm bleeding and crying out inside but it's just not showing. I'm so scared of myself and my thoughts, and what i'm capable of. I realise you know what i'm talking about. But don't worry, I don't think I can do it. I've been there before, only properly managed to try once and that failed… But every time I get close to that edge, I can't help but think about all the people i'd be hurting. My mum, dad, sister, grandma, my closest and dearest friends. I don't want that, I don't ever want to hurt anybody. It's not that I want to die, I just don't want to be alive. It's hard to explain but hopefully that makes sense.
Everything just gets so hard, it was much easier complaining about homework and life and thinking you're so badly done to when the worst thing you have to worry about is acne.
I'm just so sick of it all. And i'm ever so tired, i'm so tired of fighting it all.