Wow.. here I sit facing yet another computer screen… I'm so confused as to what I'm supposed to be doing!! I guess I shoukd fill you all in on what's going on.. it just seems so stupid and unfair to me. Lets see… where to start.. 8 years ago in June, I married the man of my dreams.. he was honest, happy, hard working, and so pround of me and our son and our family. He was just so nice and kind and gental-not a mean or cranky bone in his body. A few years ago (about 4) my hubby got very sick.. he had flesh eating bacteria on his foot and he almost died. He was in the hospital for over a month and he under-went many surgeries and painfull procedsures during all of this. At one point, he coded on the operating table and the doctors didn't think that he was going to pull thru at all.. he was pumped full of very powerfull pain meds and antibotics. Finally, after all of this.. he got to come home.. the doctors had saved his foot and we thought that we could pick up the peices and continue on with our life… But, I noticed right away that something was different.. VERY different. My once nice, kind hubby who never had a cross word to say was now short tempered and cranky. I tried to justify his attitude by thinking that he had just come out of a near death experience and that maybe it would take him some time to re-adjust..Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months and months turned into years.. and as I had so many time in the past tried to talk to him about his attitude change.. he would just ignore the situation or we would get into some full blown fight or anything and everything. Finally, just 7-8 month ago, he admitted that something was "wrong" with him and that we needed to get help. We found a marrage/relationship counsiler and we have been going every week since his admittance that something has changed in him. Our counsiler seems to think that my hubby is suffering from a very deep, dark depression-one that could have been caused from so many pain meds at the hospital, or from lack of air to his brain when he coded on the table, or just something that has caused a chemical imballance… No-one can find that real cause or the root of the problem as of yet, but we are still trying. My hubby is trying out different meds to try and improve his attitude and happiness level, but so far we haven't found any that really help.. they either have no effect at all or they just completly zone him out…
I guess that whole story is what has led me to this web site… I need to know if there is anyone out there who can understand what I'm going thru?? My hubby tells me that he honestly don't know what happiness is any more.. he can remember what it's like to be happy.. he has absolutly ZERO emotion toward me or our son.. it's like he just don't give a crap about anything.. He says that he still loves me and he so whants to work thru this, but then he will turn around and say that he feels like he is holding me back and I would be so much better off without him. He still works and provides for our family, but there is nothing there.. I feel like a room-mate at best, and more times than not, I just feel like a stranger around him.. He won't talk…. only when spoken to and then only very short, unresponsive answers.. (how was your day-fine… what do you want for dinner-i don't care)… I so realize that there are so many people in this world that are worse off than I am, but I do feel so all alone.. As of right now, I have no intention of leaving my hubby or giving up on our wedding vows, but I know that I don't think that I can do this forever.. Am I alone in this.. OR can someone out there just kind of understand what I'm going thru..
Hopping to hear from someone..