Hi everyone out there in OCD world:

My OCD consists of many rituals. Some that are easy to perform and others that most people could not understand but a fellow OCD member. One of my biggest obsessions is how many pages I read in the paper or a book for that matter. This obsession stems from the fact when I was a kid people thought I was slow or the other slang word for slow. To this day that stigma is still with me. If I read 10 pages of a newspaper an hour I know I am reading about a third of the speed as the average person. I feel even though four hours on a paper sounds ridiculous at the same time I am learning things also there are many people that can't read or have problems reading. I do this as punishment since I am not employed and doubt very much I will ever find employment that fits the person I am. Basically, I feel inferior to everyone. But, my family does not give me reasons to feel this way. My problem is I want to be PERFECT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I feel not being perfect makes my family think less of me. Another obsession I would love to do away with is constantly having clean hands. The complusion is obviously washing my hands.  I feel as though these two things are a reason that I am having so much trouble acclimating into a non- OCD world. I have read of fellow OCDERS who hated reading and had trouble in school. I like to read but I am burdened when I have X amount of pages to read and I realize it will take four hours to read.  When the average reading speed is 250-350 and you are not reading 200 you feel really slow. I went on one of those reading places where it charts 50-100 100-150 150-200 as general reading speeds. 200-250 average. Once you get to 500-600 you are reading at an effective reading speed. Put it another way with an analogy. Someone makes $80,000 a year another person makes $20,000 the person making $20,000 has to work four years to reach the other person's salary.

Just curious to see what your thoughts are on this topic.

Marc

3 Comments
  1. marc81980 14 years ago

    Hi Matthew:

    I never had trouble reading per se I always felt inadequate reading wise as opposed to the average reader. At my peak I was going to school plus reading sports magazines on the weekend. Doing close to another 500 pages a week on top of school work.  I am conscious of what people think of my reading even though I have no problems reading in the sense I can read I might flub words every once in awhile.

    I want to be perfect. Want to know everything that is going on be able to talk to people and sound educated. All the tests when I was younger proved borderline I want to shed that stigma. So this is normal of a person like us?   I feel reading passes the time and it is better than not keeping your brain functioning.  When I was younger I had all these plans. It is very hard to go through life knowing you might not be able to work like everyone else. I am getting you are not working due to your OCD? I guess the best analogy is someone carrying 20 pounds and doing a marathon versus someone carrying nothing the person carrying nothing will finish first since they have no resistance. 

     

    The newspaper is problably the worst thing. For a long time I was reading all the major sports on ESPN. I gather you read about travel writing a lot? So I would not be obsessing over how many pages I would be reading I would just fly? It is more a chore not pleasurable. Wow, it seems you really became an avid reader.  I guess that makes a lot of sense. You don’t want to see or hear the pessimistic slant on events. I definitely do not want to read books about religion I would probably feel worse. LOL  I also noticed there are some places that will say if you are reading something technical or enjoyable there is no fast or slow speed. Now, when I was a kid no one taught me the skimming idea. I tried that as a kid and got yelled at by a teacher. I currently only read at one speed.

     

    On the Audio books front, I am trying to figure out if I have a problem decoding the words and it delays me or sometimes I will reverse a letter. I could read reserve as reverse.  I am not trying to be funny, but all these problems are based on the cognitive impairment from OCD?  One thing about me is I am afraid of being lazy. I hate having to punish myself this way though. It is like a death sentence.

     

    I remember doing that with magazines I used to have a  ritual where I would pick the big articles and remember the players names in the magazines and it used to take me half an hour to do this ritual. It was to prove I was reading the stories even though I had no clue what was going on at this time. I was reading more to say I read the stories. I think it was just something to keep me busy. When I was a kid I did not have any friends. While everyone was partying or doing other things I was reading.   That is how I feel after reading the paper. I noticed before my problem ( I have gone into a depressed state) I did not care it would not be this bad. I am analyzing things that I normally would not. I have a tendency of highlighting or writing too much I was never good at outlining.

     

    For a long time I felt worthless but the ironic thing is what does reading have to do with a sense of self worth?  As my father said I have never heard of a job not hiring you because you were not a quick reader. Now, if you are proof-reading or an editor you might need to know how to speed read. I did not know about this study. When I was a kid my mother used to beat me down about myself. My self esteem is non-existent. She always read the paper and she thought she was perfect. Today, I have no dealings with her. 

     

    I actually have a book my dad bought. It is about the New York Yankees. He wanted me to read it first I told him he could read it mentally I am not there. That is part of the reason I came on here I realized this was not something I could fix myself. I have learned a lot more about my illness. For a long time I felt as though I was lazy, stupid or a bum when part of it was my illness.

     

    I will definitely take up your advice. I will have to try and detox my OCD a little. It drives me to the brink sometimes.

     

    Thank you very much

     

    Marc

    |
    0 kudos
  2. marc81980 14 years ago

    Hi Adam:

    I definitely can sympathize with you. What do you mean by something else? You look at the story or the book in a different way or you are reading and not really focusing? I will think about how long it took me to read a page then think of how many minutes behind or ahead of my per hour pace I am. I know very irrational. Of course reading and doing this is impossible so you have to read or skim through what you just read again. I did a test and I thought I was faster than I was. I have not lost jobs due to anxiety I lost them due to the fact I could not get along with anyone. Somehow somewhere there was always something there to knock me off the ladder. Well at least your brother understands what is going on. It took me getting on this site to realize I am not lazy it is a common trait. This is the biggest argument my father and I have jobs.  For the longest time I thought it was laziness. I agree with you. This makes me feel a lot better. It is still the stigma from being called all these things that you never forget. Ironically one of my so called friends who used to call me special head had a problem figuring out what was meant in a book we were reading about buying houses and making money. I read the page maybe the second time ever and he did not make a comment. In  the couple of minutes it took me to read I knew exactly what was being said. So if I brought that to his attention or he really wanted to pick on something he could have.  No you are not worthless. You had a job that was decent. I was a cashier who never got full time hours and was never given that one break. Ironically, we are both the same age going through the same problems. It seems with this disorder there is a good percentage of our peers that are either unemployed or worse. At the same time I do not want to have to go through life suing and using the ADA to get what i am entitled to.

     

    Marc

     

    |
    0 kudos
  3. marc81980 14 years ago

    Hi Adam:

     

    Its ok. I was a little confused. Oh well that can happen you get distracted.  I can understand that even though it has never happened to me.

     

    Marc

    |
    0 kudos

Leave a reply

© 2022 WebTribes Inc. | find your tribe

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account