Well I need to RANT about my OCD, I’ve never really explained to anyone before, so if you guys don’t understand me , no one ever will!!
I can remember when i was really young, i always worried about bad things happening to my family etc, I always had little things I did, n-one really noticed, or they never said anything if they did, I remember for a few years i was spitting (how horrible) my perents were not too happy, The reason i was doing it was to protect them, I convinced my self if i spat a number of times per day, they would always return safe!
It didn’t seem to bother my through my teens, Well i cannot remember it bothering me!! Too intrested in girls and music and getting bullied i supose. I was always worried though, worried if i have a cough it was cancer, if i had headache, it was worse. I couldn’t watch programs on tv that had thngs about disease etc, I would research the disease and I always convinced myself i had it!! My family just though i was a worrier, and my brothers and sister used to tease me. nothing bad, just childish hummour.
I used to have months where i i thought about was dying and where we all ended up!! this would stop me from sleeping. Then a few years went by, My girlfriend at the time, gran fell ill with The Cancer, I started saying things under my breath to help get her better, This was noticed by my work coligues and they again took the micky out of me, By this time i was used to it and always had something to say back. My mates used to say i was like chandler off friends, always witty and had to have the last word. Ky rituals didn’t work and she passed away, that wa a loss, she was a gret woman. My life carried on and i kept worrying about the smallist thing, like my dad falling down the stairs, my mum getting hurt.
I had still not discovered i had OCD at this time, just thinking everyone worried and did silly things, just that they hid it better!
Time passed, I can always remember little things i did, like if i went into a bathroom i had to make a certain pattern out of the tiles, if i saw an ambalance i had to do the rhym (Touch my toes etc)I always had my rear heatered window on. I always had to touch wood if i said something bad.
It was only 3 years ago that OCD took over my life, I got a phone call one night, my dads twin brother had died suddenly, this was a shock to everyone, Then 2 months after my girlfriends Grandad died, I started blessing things, and was always jittery.Then my dad started having problems swallowing, He was diagnosed with Throat Cancer, Then my gran died, My OCD was flying, I had to stop work.My OCD was out of control. I locked myself in the smallest room in my house, wore headphone and didn’t look out of the window, every noice every thing i saw i Blessed! My girlfriend told my family , they though i was just worrying, all came to visit and realised all was not well,They all then started getting information about OCD. I went to see a doctor, I didn’t want medication, I thought i was strong enough to get through this, How wrong was i!! It just got worse, i wouldn’t go out of the house, everything i saw i blessed, Out loud! I remember going to the docs one day sat in the waiting room, blessing everyone, they must have thought i was mad, on the way home a group of builders saw what i was doing and started to shout at me, that was when i decided i really needed help, there was a 12 week waiting list for treatment, So i paid to go private, the counceling really helped and i started medication. I wasn’t still perfect, my dad was really ill, I went to see him for the first time in about 4 months, he passed 3 days later. I was so scared about the funeral, but some inner streangh got me through. possibly my Dad holding me up!! I ended up getting made redundant from work and splitting with my GF. That was a low point, but i started fighting back, I satarted going out again, got a new job etc and its going on from there!! I have OCd everyday, But i’m determined it will not stop me.
The specielist i saw worked out i had been blessing thing to help stop people from dying, it didn’t work but i still did it!! I now bless my food before i eat, and a few other things, I’m slowly working out things to counter OCD. i’m trying at the moment to make my OCD tell me the things I’m doing are wrong and I have to stop. So I will still have OCD but it will be making me do nothing!! complicated but seems to work. Its my mind and i will control my thought oneday.
Thanks for listening, this is the first time I’ve ever told all this.