Well I need to RANT about my OCD, I’ve never really explained to anyone before, so if you guys don’t understand me , no one ever will!!
I can remember when i was really young, i always worried about bad things happening to my family etc, I always had little things I did, n-one really noticed, or they never said anything if they did, I remember for a few years i was spitting (how horrible) my perents were not too happy, The reason i was doing it was to protect them, I convinced my self if i spat a number of times per day, they would always return safe!
It didn’t seem to bother my through my teens, Well i cannot remember it bothering me!! Too intrested in girls and music and getting bullied i supose. I was always worried though, worried if i have a cough it was cancer, if i had headache, it was worse. I couldn’t watch programs on tv that had thngs about disease etc, I would research the disease and I always convinced myself i had it!! My family just though i was a worrier, and my brothers and sister used to tease me. nothing bad, just childish hummour.
I used to have months where i i thought about was dying and where we all ended up!! this would stop me from sleeping. Then a few years went by, My girlfriend at the time, gran fell ill with The Cancer, I started saying things under my breath to help get her better, This was noticed by my work coligues and they again took the micky out of me, By this time i was used to it and always had something to say back. My mates used to say i was like chandler off friends, always witty and had to have the last word. Ky rituals didn’t work and she passed away, that wa a loss, she was a gret woman. My life carried on and i kept worrying about the smallist thing, like my dad falling down the stairs, my mum getting hurt.
I had still not discovered i had OCD at this time, just thinking everyone worried and did silly things, just that they hid it better!
Time passed, I can always remember little things i did, like if i went into a bathroom i had to make a certain pattern out of the tiles, if i saw an ambalance i had to do the rhym (Touch my toes etc)I always had my rear heatered window on. I always had to touch wood if i said something bad.
It was only 3 years ago that OCD took over my life, I got a phone call one night, my dads twin brother had died suddenly, this was a shock to everyone, Then 2 months after my girlfriends Grandad died, I started blessing things, and was always jittery.Then my dad started having problems swallowing, He was diagnosed with Throat Cancer, Then my gran died, My OCD was flying, I had to stop work.My OCD was out of control. I locked myself in the smallest room in my house, wore headphone and didn’t look out of the window, every noice every thing i saw i Blessed! My girlfriend told my family , they though i was just worrying, all came to visit and realised all was not well,They all then started getting information about OCD. I went to see a doctor, I didn’t want medication, I thought i was strong enough to get through this, How wrong was i!! It just got worse, i wouldn’t go out of the house, everything i saw i blessed, Out loud! I remember going to the docs one day sat in the waiting room, blessing everyone, they must have thought i was mad, on the way home a group of builders saw what i was doing and started to shout at me, that was when i decided i really needed help, there was a 12 week waiting list for treatment, So i paid to go private, the counceling really helped and i started medication. I wasn’t still perfect, my dad was really ill, I went to see him for the first time in about 4 months, he passed 3 days later. I was so scared about the funeral, but some inner streangh got me through. possibly my Dad holding me up!! I ended up getting made redundant from work and splitting with my GF. That was a low point, but i started fighting back, I satarted going out again, got a new job etc and its going on from there!! I have OCd everyday, But i’m determined it will not stop me.
The specielist i saw worked out i had been blessing thing to help stop people from dying, it didn’t work but i still did it!! I now bless my food before i eat, and a few other things, I’m slowly working out things to counter OCD. i’m trying at the moment to make my OCD tell me the things I’m doing are wrong and I have to stop. So I will still have OCD but it will be making me do nothing!! complicated but seems to work. Its my mind and i will control my thought oneday.
Thanks for listening, this is the first time I’ve ever told all this.

1 Comment
  1. Worried_Girl 13 years ago

    it sounds to me like you are a very strong person!!! it sounds like you are on the right path to controling your OCD! you story was very inspiring because never once did you give up after everything you went through!! i totally understand your story because at one point in my OCD i was scared if i had a certain thought, it would kill my family. i was always worried about them dying! so i understand what you went through as well.

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