I don't know what really happened but I had a major freak out this afternoon. Like I said, I've been very anxious lately due to an obsession that doesn't want to let me alone. I should have cancelled, but I decided to go to my driving lesson, to face my fears and to be strong. But today, I couldn't. I couldn't control nor manage my OCD and I wasn't paying attention at all on what I was doing and my OCD kept throwing me spikes at the worst moment. So at the end of my driving lesson, I was in tears, I made up an excuse to my instructor, telling him that I had personal problems, that I was very stressed out and that I couldn't manage my anxiety today. So we agreed to delay my next lesson to July 9th. But I'm really, really, ashamed, because I hate being vulnerable like this and my instruction must think I'm crazy, or an idiot! And I don't even know how I'm going to make it, because my OCD is getting worse these days, and I'm unable to manage it. My next appointment to see my therapist is on July 10th. But I don't know what to do, because I keep having panic attacks and nobody understands. My mom is the only one that knows about my OCD, and my brothers, my father and my sister know I am an anxious person but they have no idea how much I suffer every day. So of course they didn't understand why I broke down in tears when I got home. I've cried for hours and I can't stop, because the anxiety is unbearable, and I'm not on medication. I was able to manage my OCD until now, but I think I'm going to ask my psychiatrist to put me on medication, because the anxiety skyrocked and I don't know how I'm going to make it without some help. I can't stop obsessing, and as usual, I'm afraid that my obsessions are true. Lately, I've been unable to tell myself that this was OCD, THEREFORE I was freaking out for nothing and the obsessions I had were not meaningful. But hey, my brain doesn't want to believe it, and I try to distract myself the best I can, but I'm afraid I relapsed… I just can't stop thinking: what if it were true. I would like to be able to concentrate enough to take my driving lessons but I can't, I'm too anxious… and I can't help wondering if an obsession CAN be true, and CAN be meaningful… like, my brain strongly believes that OCD and reality can coexist. I feel like I've came back to last year, when the OCD was telling me that I was studying the wrong thing in college and that I almost failed my exams because I was too nervous… and then in the end, I realized that of course this was fake, because I love what I study… But as usual, I'm afraid that THIS obsession is real and meaningful, for a number of reasons… and everytime I wake up and realize that I was freaking out for nothing… but everytime, I fall for the act! Damn, how can I be so stupid.
Any advice? Does someone has any idea on how to manage my OCD? I've been doing CBT/ERP for almost a year now and I've made progress, but I can't manage this obsession… what do you do when you realize that one obsession gives you a hard time?