Things got worse last night and this morning. My bf keeps letting me down and I have no idea what to do. I dont want to moan about him or what has happened. In brief he basically kept my family here until gone 2am, knowing full well I had an exam today. I havent told my family about the exam because that just opens up a whole load of stress. But this morning I was so tired because we had been up so late and i couldnt sleep because I was worrying and had so many panic attacks. this morning i had several panic attacks and basically I couldnt get up and make it into the exam. This is the exam i was sure I was going to fail but I was going to go to anyway. I was proud of myself for wanting to go in even if i was going to fail. But i was so drained this morning and I couldnt help but blame my bf. I felt that he should have been thinking about me and not ask my family if they wanted food and drinks (especially as they had just had a meal and I had already told him I wanted an early night!) I felt so low this morning, I felt so mixed up – betrayed, let down, disappointed, low, ashamed, overwhelmed and full of panic. then when it had set in that I had missed the exam because i couldnt make it in time, I started thinking about ways i could end it all, including my life. I have never had these thoughts – and I had never felt this low. The only thing that stopped me, was thinking about all the things I still wanted to do in life, and how i didnt want to let people down or change their opinion about me. Other than that I felt awful and then went back to bed and slept.
After sleeping for a few hours I dont feel so bad and cant believe that I ever thought about ending my life. I feel ok, but I was left wondering what has to change and i think its my relationship. But I am not sure what I want or what I need. I am fed up of thinking like this about us. I wish our problems would go away, but he does nothing to help, so nothing changes, so I am still left worrying about it all. I just want to enjoy life – but maybe i cant with my bf?
Thanks for reading – I really need your opinions, and comments. I need to know someone out there listens to me.