I wish my inability to move on was as simple as fear, but it is so much more than that. My anxiety and depression is the worst it's ever been and I'm struggling everyday to gain control of my life again. I wish it were as easy as taking a fresh start, but my thoughts and feelings are issues I can't escape. I could lie to myself again, as I have done in the past, but I will only end up in the same agonizing situation.

Right now, I exist as a shell of a person. I've lost every trace of myself. I can't be around people. I can't find anything that brings me happiness. My life feels meaningless. I've been told by every therapist (I'm now seeing my 5th psychologist) and psychiatrist (number 3) that these are classic symptoms of depression. I understand that. However, I can't come to grips with the fact that I suffer from this disease. Logically, I know I have a chemical imbalance in my brain, but the constant anger I have because I'm like this overpowers any rationality. I hate myself for being like this, especially because I have no reason to be depressed, no horrible, life-altering circumstances that have plagued me. I should be happy and healthy, but I'm not. I'm completely embarrassed of my situation. I wasn't supposed to be like this. I didn't work my ass off in school to end up in this situation, and, for that reason, I'm furious with myself. A little part of me dies when I see people I used to know. That dreaded question of "what are you up to?" chisels away any self-esteem I have left. What am I supposed to tell them? I couldn't manage college because of severe depression and anxiety? Telling people that I have depression is an instant judgment. People really don't understand the disease. They just think, "Oh, that girl's just sad" when it's so much more than that. The physical and mental toils that my body has been subjected to are horrifying and exhausting. I can't find the words to describe how I feel on a day-to-day basis.

The therapist I have now tells me that I'm still grieving about my illness and I think she's right. Only until I fully accept my condition, will I be truly happy. It could take a month or even 18 months, but I can't rush it. I've done that before, and it's only ended in disappointment.


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