It's 7:30 on a Saturday Morning. I couldn't sleep last night, or this morning.My husband left for work about 30 minutes ago and my daughter is still asleep. I still haven't heard from my son except for one quick facebook message telling me to cancel his phone line. He wouldn't respond back to me after that. At least I know he is ok. Most of my problems are financial, it seems petty. I dont even care about money or material things. I just keep managing to get myself into bad situations. I am unemployed and over $100,000 in debt, with nothing to show for it. I already lost my home to foreclosure (on the second mortgage), but I still owe 27k thanks to the people who bought my old place for only 23,000. If the bank would have let me keep it for that much I might not be here right now. Add to that my student loans and the first mortgage on the house that was foreclosed on. I have to keep paying that because my grandma put her house up as collateral on the loan, 8 more years on that one. Also 2 credit cards that I had to stop paying on, which sounds bad but I had no health insurance. One of them I maxed out when my son broke his ankle and the other when my daughter needed glasses. Apparently I had another credit card years ago that wasn't paid, that's the one that garnished my bank account and wiped me out. The funny thing is, I paid that one off. They say it was maxed out again after that, but showed no proof. I know I didn't use it, but I dont know for sure that my EX didn't. Why am I complaining about my financial issues? Because that's what keeps me up at night. It worries my grandma that she may lose her house because I can't pay the mortgage (on a house that was already foreclosed on). Of course that is my priority, I have never been late on that payment in 12 years. Because of that, I can't afford to live anywhere else.This place I'm staying now is a trailer older than I am. It has inadequate ductwork so the central heat doesn't work, and it's drafty. And Winter is coming. That means we get cold and try not to let the water lines freeze. Last year we used electric space heaters but it tripled the electric bill and we often had to chose between food and electric. This year, no space heaters. I bought my daughter an electric blanket. On below zero nights I ask her to stay with a friend or her fathers mom. She doesn't like to leave me. I know they can't hang me for not being able to pay bills, but they can take every penny I have and not leave me anything to live on. I had that money saved to buy heat for the winter, without it, we go cold. They can't hang me, but they can kill me just the same.It just depends on how you look at it. We don't qualify for any of the government programs, in part due to the fact we dont own the place we stay at, in part because my husband makes more than minimum wage. They dont take your bills into account. I started getting the place ready for winter yesterday. Sealing up the windows with caulking, insulation. covering them with plastic inside and hanging heavy drapes. I still need to seal the outside with plastic also. I got 3 windows done yesterday, it takes about 2 hours per window. I have to help my daughter sew a dress today, then I get to see my husband on Sunday and I will get back to the windows on Monday. One of my psychology classes taught me that life is all about your outlook. People with negative outlooks create their own negative situations and don't live as long as people with more positive outlooks. There is also a term "learned helplessness" which applies to me as well. I do have a negative outlook, I don't know any other way to be. Things rarely go my way. When I was still a baby in diapers I learned that I had nobody to rely on and the work was not a safe place. My dad was 19 when I was born and he was a heroin addict who once sold me for drugs. My mom was 15 and just not the "mommy" type. My dad committed suicide on my 18th birthday and left me a note that said his obligation to me was complete and he signed it "Hope to see you soon , love dad" that part always haunted me. He was bipolar and unmedicated. I forgave my mom for her shortcomings, she never protected me or took care of me but she couldn't protect herself either. She told my husband that I raised myself and she has no idea how I lived through childhood. Things have never went my way in life, I don't know how to have a positive outlook. I try to tell myself that everything happens for a reason and whatever is meant to be will be. I know that I cant control everything. It's probably a good thing that I was an only child given the circumstances, but it made me grow up lonely with no social skills. I was bullied all through elementary school for being weird and poor. We didn't have running water or any luxuries like that. By 4th or 5th grade I started just punching anyone who picked on me, so after I beat up a couple boys nobody really bothered me again. I just had no friends from then on, including today. Sometimes I think it would be nice to have someone to talk to, but what's the point, I'd just be a real downer with nothing good to say. I suck at job interviews for the same reasons. I know what to say and not to say but I'm always nervous. And I generally dont do well on the stupid personality assessments everyone gives out now. I had a job interview that went well enough, they told me I was exactly what they were looking for, asked how soon I could start, and then oh by the way just fill this out real fast, hiring isn't based on this personality test. But after I took the test, I knew they were looking for one of the "happy shiny people" in the world and not me. I got an email after that saying they were going with another candidate. Perhaps if I can stop worrying about my finances I can improve my outlook. I need to file bankruptcy, but the ironic part is, if you dont have money and so far in debt that you need to file bankruptcy, then you have to pay a lawyer a bunch of money. Well, if I can ever afford the lawyer, it will be a step in the right direction. Maybe then I can work on improving my outlook, and hopefully my life. While my kids lives have not been as bad as mine, they have not had it easy for sure. I just wish they weren't stuck with my shortcomings.


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