My Sunday Night Call was to wish my son a very Happy Birthday in Greece and that we tried calling him on Ortodox Easter.  As my husband opened the line and did the greeting, I wanted to talk to him but I couldn’t, I waved I just can’t, my heart bled with emptiness, because of something so, so simple as I could not pick up the receiver to say hi, Happy birthday! I know many people would not be able to understand this, they would also not understand compulsive disorder, or the mind racing with thoughts. The rituals that go with it all. You have to really suffer from these things to really really understand it all. It does not mean that you are not a sensitive, caring, and compassionate person.  It is just something that if you have not lived it you just cannot fully understand.  Realizing that I blew my chance my mind tried to comfort me by saying, well, he had comapny over, well, my husband said it was not a very clear connection, or too much noise in the background.  I tried to reassure my mind I’ll call next weekend, maybe I don’t need to say something which might of upset him anyway.  Well, here is the exta-ordinary thing as they say that I did not expect, and yes, Gos has his ways of mysteriously giving you and allowing you another chance. My son called us back, which rarely would of happened, nor did I expect him to.  I yelled at my husband cause I told him to hang up and I’ll call back. It is outrageous in Europe what they charge them. I opened the line with difficulties of my connection, and once I got him I told him also that I am scared to talk to him. I filled him in about his sister moving back, pretty soon we joked and we laughed, and I got a dropped call. I said Oh no! I told him the company made us wanting to switch carries, but I never called rural cause I though why should I have to, just can’t cope with it.  Even so me having to call back another two to three times, we had one of our best calls ever, of course we always do!  My son, my first born. The little baby boy that I was scared to take in my arms after his birth. I looked at my husband when he asked me, do you want to hold him?!  Ahhhhh……..no………I answered him, he is fine you hold him. Funny isn’t it! My just turned 32year old I still have that fear, but I still say bye baby mou ( baby of mine) on the phone line!   I never knew how much hurt that little girl had inside me, and how many problems she had! I could carry the world on my shoulders I once thought, but at seventeen years old could not hold my baby. If only I held him tight……..no one could of ever talked me into parting with him!!  And so I don’t mean to blow my second chance not to all the OCD in the world. I know I am bull headed. I only take one blood pressure pill instead of two. I ask God questions that with Orthodox people you do not dare to ask God! I ask him God, why do we come here if we get taken away, and all I want is this family, just this, and not come back to have another. Yes, I beleive in rebirth of the soul even though our Orthodox church does not!  For me even if I had lived a million lifetimes over I could not love more this family I now have! If this is your message by reading this, take it any way you can, how it is sent. These are truly our best years ever and they will be what we make them to be. I often asked my husband if things could of been different and our son to of been here with us, he just looked at me and told me what would of he of done here. I know what I would of done. It makes you rethink things doesn’t it!  Some things you can change and some things you can. Some dissisions are not reversable but somethimes if your real lucky, like I was, God gives you second chances.  God bless you and take care every one reading this. Have a good day and make it count. Live your dreams, make them reality and do mot be scared of touching and loving people, especially the ones nearest and dearest to your heart. Love, Ekaterini-Kathy