I hate this disorder so much. It's 5:30 am and I have been obsessing about my home and family so much and how much I miss them all. I miss my dog, I miss my wife, I miss my step-daughter, I miss my home, I miss my step-grand daughter, I miss my step-son…I miss it all so much. It's been 48 days (yup, counting them!) since I've seen them. I've done everything from drifting into deep depression, spending 2 days in a mental ward, to getting my head on straight and joining several support groups. I'm on two different meds now (welbutrin & luvox) and I still miss them all so much! Maybe it's because I do honestly love them? Is this what true love feels like? I'm 42 and have never felt this before. Who ever said that "It's better to love and lost, than not love at all" was a moron. I hate this. I'm here chain smoking…

And no, I can't talk to them…none of them will even give me the time of day. I just want the obsessing to go away. I love them all so much and want to make up for all of my mistakes.I've tried – I've been trying to catch up on the bills that have gone out of control. I've been weed free for 45 of those days! I've been sober for most of it (had a few slip-ups)…When will this stop? Ever? I don't want to jump into another relationship either just to forget them – I keep thinking that something will happen and it'll all work out. I'm trying so hard to be patient. I just want back in to all their lives…and I have to believe – maybe I'm wrong – that there has to be times that they miss me too. This is the worst torture I've ever had to endure in my whole life. But I'm really doing my best to keep everything in perspective and live in the "now". It's just so hard when I can't stop thinking about everything.

Will this ever end? I need it to end. I need this to stop – that or I need to talk to them – any of them – step-son, daughter, wife, see my dog….I need something. This has to end.

 

6 Comments
  1. bunmum 14 years ago

    I'm sorry for your pain.  You'll be in my thoughts today.

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  2. wdsinton 14 years ago

    Well…i figured it was between re-admitting myself to the hospital or hurting myself…so I decided to get some weed instead. I know that\’s wrong, but I don\’t feel guilty. It\’s the only thing that seems to work right now. Maybe after all this shit passes and I\’m a stronger person I\’ll give \”abstaining\” another shot….

    Does that make me a piece of crap?

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  3. rq5738 14 years ago

    Saying a prayer for you.  Have FAITH in yourself.  You KNOW what the right things are to do– sometimes they're the hardest.  You CAN do it.  Hang in there.  Find something positive every day.  Every day withOUT the weed is positive.  Keep on swimmin'… 

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  4. wdsinton 14 years ago

    Well, I didn\\\’t do it. I bought the shit then went over to a friend\\\’s house and I kinda forgot about it…music seems to be even better now since I\\\’ve been weed-free – and I used to smoke to listen to music differently—WHY?! I love the way I am hearing every note real clearly now. And I am finding, more often then not, music gets me through. I forgot how much it was important to me – as far as emotions are concerned.

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  5. rq5738 14 years ago

    Good! Next time, don't waste your $ buying it– put that money somewhere and think about how you could use it when you get back in touch with the things/ones you're missing so much.  You can do this!!  Take the meds not chances with the weed.

    Hope today is a GOOD day for you! 

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  6. tziel 14 years ago

    I'm sorry for your pain. I read once, when I was enduring a break-up,  that writing a letter to them sometimes helps (with the understanding that you not give it to them right now). They are probably deeply wounded by everything too, but hopefully the healing nature of time will take care of much of the pain.  One day at a time, right?

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