This week has been another roller coaster. It started OK I was planning a trip and getting somewhat excited. I was happy that things were changing at last . My Diet was going OK. I was exercising. I had been to see my T. Then all of a sudden I started sabotaging my diet, I no longer wanted to get out of bed let alone exercise, the trip fell through, my sister rang me with bad news about my mum and I was caught in between again. (its hard because I looked after them both for so long and now its only mum, she went closer to my sister and my sister is not so compassionate nor forgiving) I know my sis needs to vent and I was there for her unfortunately she asked me how I was and I completely lost the plot. I could barely talk to her I was balling my eyes out and almost incoherent. I rang my T the next day but could not get to talk with her so the next day I went to see a doctor, He has increased my meds and gave me the week off of work. I have all this stuff to do around the house and I have sat here the whole week and done nothing in fact I havent even gotten dressed most days. I dont want to I dont want to wake up I told the doc that I felt like doin something bad but I wont and I am trying to keep that promise but geez I am nearly going out of my mind. I sit here and fantasize ways of hurting myself and I know thats silly but I do. (If I cant be honest in my blogs where can I be) So I return to work tomorrow and already I am feeling ill with thinking about it. I dont want to go. I dont think I can smile and care for others in need when I feel like this. I know i have to though or my roof will disappear. I just feel like existing anymore. Im so tired.