This week has been another roller coaster. It started OK I was planning a trip and getting somewhat excited. I was happy that things were changing at last . My Diet was going OK. I was exercising. I had been to see my T. Then all of a sudden I started sabotaging my diet, I no longer wanted to get out of bed let alone exercise, the trip fell through, my sister rang me with bad news about my mum and I was caught in between again. (its hard because I looked after them both for so long and now its only mum, she went closer to my sister and my sister is not so compassionate nor forgiving) I know my sis needs to vent and I was there for her unfortunately she asked me how I was and I completely lost the plot. I could barely talk to her I was balling my eyes out and almost incoherent. I rang my T the next day but could not get to talk with her so the next day I went to see a doctor, He has increased my meds and gave me the week off of work. I have all this stuff to do around the house and I have sat here the whole week and done nothing in fact I havent even gotten dressed most days. I dont want to I dont want to wake up I told the doc that I felt like doin something bad but I wont and I am trying to keep that promise but geez I am nearly going out of my mind. I sit here and fantasize ways of hurting myself and I know thats silly but I do. (If I cant be honest in my blogs where can I be) So I return to work tomorrow and already I am feeling ill with thinking about it. I dont want to go. I dont think I can smile and care for others in need when I feel like this. I know i have to though or my roof will disappear. I just feel like existing anymore. Im so tired.

2 Comments
  1. caregraham 9 years ago

    So sorry to hear that you are hurting. It is soooo hard to get motivated to do things i get that. Who did you promise that you wouldnt hurt yourself? Therapist?

    I hope your day at work goes relativly well.

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  2. ancientgeekcrone 9 years ago

    I am sorry that you find yourself in this place, however in each path there are setbacks, so it is in yours. You need to learn that your self care does not depend on others. It sounds as though you were getting by  because others were depending on you. While all of us need love and acceptance; we also need to learn self care and to be good to ourselves when we are struggling. It sounds as though your struggles become self defeating. Is it a lack of compassion on your part for yourself? I am asking, I am not judging. Furthermore, I do not expect you to answer these questions for me; but to honestly answer them for yourself.

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