The phrase "time heals all wounds" is a load of bull sh**. I still hurt from losing my grandma nearly two years ago and I hurt for losing all of the kittens. I can't believe we couldn't keep one, just one. But I guess my mother went from saying we could deal with all of them to none. I hurt so much to think of them at Pet Smart in those cages. They can't run around like they were able to here. They can't explore as they were able to here. They can't be with there mama as they were able to be here.
I hurt so much I want to end my life. I won't know the fate of the kittens and that hurts so much. Will they have good homes? Will they stay together? Will they be split up? Will they live a full life with love, shelter and food?
It tears at me so much. It doesn't seem to be affecting the other members of my family. They are just going on with their lives as if nothing happened.
I just want to drink until I can't feel. I just want to cut to feel some other pain. I just want to sleep to dream of happier times.
But when sleep ends, I have to realize all over again that the babies are gone. It's like losing my grandma all over again. I didn't want to sleep after she died because I knew I'd wake up and have to realize she was gone all over again.
I want to cut, get drunk so I can't feel, and sleep to dream of happiness.
What will tomorrow bring when I'm alone for a few hours? Trouble, tears?
I cried myself to sleep last night and Paint was meowing for her kittens.
Life sucks