Depression is incredible. Something I've been dealing with since I was probably 13. I'm 28 now. I haven't always been depressed, but when I am it hits me hard and severe. I think I've had more depressive episodes than happy ones over the last 15 years. I've never been clinically diagnosed, nor do I want to be. I'm scared to. My job won't allow it. I can only imagine how much more I'd be depressed if I lost my job because of my depression. It's like being stuck and trapped. I constantly worry about my social interactions. I'd prefer to just seclude myself because it seems easier that way. Then I started getting depressed that I'm not interacting with people. I hang out with people, then I start worrying excessively how my interactions went. It's a viscious cycle. To describe depression to someone who hasn't really ever been depressed is near impossible for them to understand. I question my existence. Why am I here? Why am I doing this? I have this heavy feeling like just giving up on everything, but then I think about how much trouble that would cause and just make me so much more depressed. It's like there's no escape. I don't talk to anyone about it because then I just obsessively worry that I shouldn't have said anything to them because they'll just think less of me or judge me. Depression is messed up. The lowest feeling one could ever possibly have – in my opinion. I remember being very young and feeling angry towards my parents because 'I didn't ask to be born'. Now, being 28, I could never burden my parents with my depression or hurt them by letting them know how severely depressed I am. I'm just pulling myself through every day. I wake up and do what I'm "supposed" to do everyday at work and I do it well all the meanwhile trying to not lead on to anyone that I'm really losing it inside. What a painful life to have everyday. I don't ever tell anyone becuase I don't want anyone to pity me. I carry this heavy heavy burden alone, everyday. I choose not to have kids because I couldn't bare it if they ever felt the way I do. I would never want to inflict this kind of pain on my own children. When everyday you view doom and darkness in every little thing… that's no way to have to live. I just keep struggling and do what I guess it is I am "supposed" to do.


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