So I went to work today to help out for a couple hours, and I remembered that there was a walgreens across the street from work. So on my way home I picked up a pregnancy test, (Don't know if you read in my last blog; but I am a couple weeks late, man is out of town for the week, and I was kind of ecited about the possiblility of having a baby.)

Well as you can assume from the title of this blog, it was negative….

I am really bummed out about it. I mean, I understand that it just means that it's not the right time. And my time will come. and One day I will make a great mother… Blahblahblahblah….

But…Fuck!

I was so excited I couldn't even sleep last night! I was smiling so big I thought my face was going to fall off! I have been in a little depression slump for the last week due to a severe anxiety attack last Saturday, and just have been feeling down since then. But thinking of having a child of my own was the only thing that made me smile. And with the biggest smile I have ever had!

I'm almost even mad about it. Mostly mad at myself. For getting my hopes up so high for something that didn't exsist. I hate myself for doing that.

And now I could use a drink more than anything. I want to get shitfaced-hammered. But I am trying my best to hold back. I want to at least make it a week before falling off the wagon again. Sunday will be a week. I pray that I can make it till then….

On the other hand, none of this explains why I am super late with my period???

I don't know, maybe it was the anxiety attack, or the fact that I am not used to going to bed alone?

We'll see if maybe I start once he comes home sunday night?