Ah. Where to begin? It's 7am, and I have been awake since 10am yesterday morning, with no hope for sleep anytime soon. The amount of stress I am under right now is overwhelming. This blog is mostly to help the tears flow, and perhaps relieve some of this pressure. Anything to help with the suffocation.
I'm writing this inbetween my daughter's feedings, so I'm sure it will kinda jump from subject to subject. Plus I'm so exhausted that I can't think straight. Well on a happy note my daughter finally came August 14th at 12:40am. Exactly a week late. She was 7lbs 15oz 19in, and completely beautiful. She is my world; I love her with every ounce of my being. My amazing boyfriend was there for the delivery (he's not the father, looong story). He's so supportive, and helps me out with her. I couldn't be more thankful to him. Him and my daughter are the only 2 things keeping me alive right now. They give me something to live for. I'm not suicidal; I'm just saying that they are the light to my dark times.
The main reason for my anxiety/depression at this time is fleas. Yes, fleas. Before you judge…Read on. My apartment is currently INFESTED with fleas. Infested as in there are always at least ten of the bastards on your socks or feet at any given point in time. They're in my bed, in the bathroom… Even worse-in my daughter's room. We have tried everything to get rid of them. I gave up my beloved cat… Whom I miss so much. She was the coolest. I had her for almost 3 years. She was 100% deaf and declawed, rendering her useless as an animal, but an amazing as a companion. Pretty sure she was half retarded lol, but she was so much fun to have and I miss her company greatly. I'm sure it sounds ridiculous, but I always felt a connection between us.. I dunno how to explain it. She always knew when I was upset, and would just sit on my lap for hours to comfort me. And now she's gone. I know it sounds silly; she's just an animal. But to me she was a friend. I miss her.
Anyways, the fleas…. After we got rid of Kitty, we used flea bombs on the apartment, left for a WEEK with all the windows closed to magnify the bombs. We come back yesterday expecting some relief, and the problem just seemed to get worse! I currently have my daughter in her stroller covered from head to toe, and with mosquito netting over the stroller to try to keep them at bay. But she already has bites on her, despite my best efforts. I take my shirt off before picking her up, and brush myself off completely to avoid getting any on her. But apparently it was all in vain. Me and my boyfriend have bites all over our bodies…. It's literally a nightmare. I called the landlord yesterday, requesting an exterminator. I blamed the source of the fleas on a stray cat that is constantly in and out of the apartment complex, and on the people who live above us who have 2 nasty, dirty, unregistered dogs. He said if he can trace the fleas to the stray or to the neighbors, then we don't have to pay for the exterminator. I know it sounds like an asshole move, but you don't know the whole situation… He should show up in a few hours to check things out. I'm praying that things work in our favor, so that we can perhaps get some RELIEF.
Onto another source of my stress….. FINANCES. Or in my case, lack thereof! We are so poor we literally can't afford a loaf of bread. Given the fact that I just had a baby 11 days ago, I'm obviously on maternity leave, which I don't get any pay for. My boyfriend works about 15 hours a week. His biweekly paycheck is a little over $200. Our rent/utilities are $595. And our electric bill averages $100. You do the math. And now that the baby is here, I have to figure out a way to buy diapers and wipes, and miscellaneous baby items. Rent is due September 1st, and we only have half of it. And I know the landlord is already gonna be pissed at us for making him spend hundreds on an exterminator, so I doubt we'll recieve any mercy from his end about being late. So I pretty much expect to be evicted. Then wtf am I gonna do? Our car(so called) isn't running, so my bf can't get another job. Which means we'll never catch up on our rent. If we're evicted, we have nowhere to go. I can probably stay at a few people's house for a few days, but not long enough to get back on our feet. So it looks like I'll be living on the street with an infant. Way to go me.
I'm so scared of what my life is becoming. It's pathetic. I have a baby to provide for now, and I don't even have the means to provide for myself. I love my daughter more than my own life, but I find myself wishing I'd have waited, just so I could provide a better life for her. I don't want her growing up on the streets, but seriously, what choice do I have? I'm most likely going to be evicted, and we have NO money, no car, no resources…. Nothing. Literally nothing. I try to be strong and keep my composure for the sake of my daughter and boyfriend… But I'm losing it. I've lost touch with reality.. I want to sleep for a day straight and wake up to a better life situation. I try to remain positive, but everywhere I look is dark and foreboding. I've lost the light, and I'm not so sure I'll be able to find it again. I'm literally minutes away from complete, utter, and total, SUFFOCATION.