I’ve always had an issue with men. When I was a little girl dad used to beat on mom for sport. When I got older, his drug abuse got worse. As I got even more older, mom started having lots of boyfriends.
I didn’t understand the sounds that came from her room, but they were scary. My first instinct was to always save my mom because I thought they were hurting her.
Mom continued having boyfriends, I continued being rude to them. But I didn’t care, they were treating her like shit and she deserved so much better.
This has caused a rift between my mother and I. Her constantly trying to find love in the wrong places, and me being selfish and not letting her be happy.
I’m 17 and it’s no different. She has a dick boyfriend, I don’t like him, I say something, he hates me and yells at me…but I see now I’m the one starting the fights. I see now that I have to try to be nicer to him, for my mom’s sake. It’s just so damn hard to throw out my mind-set of “men are bad and will hurt you.”
Speaking of men, Rachel’s boyfriend is coming over tonight. He came over last night as well, and I did allow it even though it was scary for me. I met him and he was nice. My mom met him and she thinks he’s nice. I don’t think mom is used to having the boy talk, because she never needed to with me because I’m gay.
But last night there was a man in the apartment after midnight and mom wasn’t home. I had already let her know, but I was feeling uneasy. I didn’t want him to take advantage of her, although she assured me she wasn’t ready for that with him. I guess I have such a deep distrust when it comes to guys.
I should talk about it in therapy. I thought I was getting better, but mom says I’m moving backwards. No matter how rude and sexist he is, he makes her happy for some reason and there’s nothing I can do about it.
I’m going to try to chill out a little bit, imagine him with a vagina or something. I know Rachel’s boyfriend is harmless, it’s just been a very long time a man has been in my space.