Hello, everyone!

This is my first blog entry, woo! Haha, the blog section on my profile looked so lonely, I knew I had to fix that (lol). Maybe I shall type out some basics for you all, to kinda catch you up on my story. 🙂

Well, uh, hi! *Waves* I'm Brandi. I'm a 22-year-old college student from the Northern Virginia/Washington DC area. I have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, panic disorder, depression, and mild insomnia.

My OCD symptoms first surfaced when I was about 7 or 8 years old. Deep down, I knew something didn't feel quite right, but for a number of reasons, I never brought it up with my parents. For example, I didn't know how to accurately describe how I was feeling, I felt like my parents would shun me, thinking I was crazy, and I was afraid of rejection from family and friends. Plus, I was so young, I don't know that I could really comprehend the whole possibility that I might have some kind of health problem anyway. Though these strange symptoms caused a fair amount of distress, they weren't totally interfering with how I functioned. I guess because of that fact alone, I assumed I was overreacting, or simply experiencing some stress for whatever reason, and dismissed my feelings as being something that everyone feels, my behaviors as something that everyone does. But still, my gut insisted that something wasn't right (when your gut is right, it's right).

Skip ahead to 12-13 years of age, when my symptoms sort of flared, if you will, a second time (they were always there, they just flared). It was during this time frame that I was relaxing at home, doodling or whatever, when I heard a preview on TV for an upcoming episode of Dr. Phil. It was a woman talking about how she had to do something a certain number of times, or something to that effect. That she counted, etc. Right away, my ears perked up. I thought, "That's me. That's it. That's what it is. WAIT, IT HAS A NAME?" I looked up, and took in every detail I could about when the episode would air. I couldn't miss it, it was vital that I watched it. So, the day arrived, and I ran home like crazy from the bus stop. I threw my bookbag on the couch, turned the TV on, and sat down. I didn't move for the entire hour, and by the end of that show, I realized what had been ailing me. The symptoms were just so specific, things that only people with the disorder could truly understand. This is what it is. This is it. I have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. It wasn't like what we all do from time to time when we Google some absurd disease, this was something I knew. I just knew it. Everything clicked.

Fast-forward once again to age 18. My OCD "flared" a third time, and this time, it really wanted to make sure that I was aware of its presence. From the time I was 18, until I was 21, almost 22, I had slowly descended in a downward spiral from being able to function fairly normally, to being totally disabled by my own brain. Knowing that taking action was necessary, I somehow managed to make it to an appointment my Mom had scheduled for me, and after a very thorough, 3-hour long evaluation, the results were in:

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.

I was right all along.

I'll never forget how my doctor told me my diagnosis. "You have straightforward OCD," he said.

He also went on to say that I didn't have bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, etc., just OCD, and that I was one of the worst cases he'd ever seen. Considering that my doctor is a well-known specialist who's spent years studying and treating individuals with OCD, I was scared. But, at the same time, honored. Don't know if that sounds weird, but it's true. Scared, because I was sick, honored, because I, like every other patient of his, will only further the medical world's understanding of this misunderstood disorder. I feel like right now, we're the ones who will make the future of having OCD easier. Because of our trials and tribulations now, maybe people in the future won't have to endure those same trials and tribulations. Maybe we'll find a cure one day, which would be an amazing thing. As all of you here know, living with OCD can be pure hell. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

So, I left this appointment with different recommendations for treatment. I needed help, whether I wanted it or not. I was no longer the person I used to be, my OCD had changed me into a hollow shell of the person I once was.

A month later, it was decided where I would be going to receive treatment. How I got through that month, I'll never know. I really will never know. But, I did, and that's when I began my month-long intensive treatment program for OCD. The kind of therapy used in my treatment was ERP (Exposure and Response Prevention), and it saved my life. It's scary reading about ERP, because it simply means doing exactly what you're afraid of, but with time, you can get to a place where you'll feel like you can handle it (more likely out of necessity, I think, than anything, but the main thing is that you're taking action).

Well, I officially completed my month-long intensive treatment program, and by the end of it, my symptoms had been greatly reduced. So, needless to say, I responded well. It was a life-changing month. Unfortunately though, I couldn't afford further treatment, so it was time to switch to a more affordable doctor, and continue working hard.

Today, almost a year later, I'm doing okay. I wouldn't say that I've completely relapsed, but I'm not doing as great as I was right after I completed treatment either. It's a bit disappointing, but many of the things I learned still remain within who I am. I still surprise myself from time to time at how I'm able to handle a situation that at one time, I wouldn't have been able to handle. At all. "One day at a time" is my motto, and I continue to work on mending everything that my OCD unraveled every day. In general, my mind is a lot more calm than it used to be, which is nice, but I'm not gonna lie: I still struggle. Things aren't perfect. But, I don't lose hope, and never will.

Throughout the years, I've been pretty open about my OCD, but after receiving an official diagnosis, I just went for it, and opened up about it. The way I see it, having a mental illness is no different than having a physical illness, so why be ashamed? If some people can't handle the fact that you have a mental illness, it's their problem, not yours. What's great is that people are way more accepting than you might think, which is a relief! After all, OCD affects 100 MILLION people worldwide. You may feel alone, but trust me, you're not. More people can relate to you than you would think, seriously.

Looking back, I wish I had spoken up about my symptoms sooner, maybe I wouldn't be 22, almost 23, and still struggling. I might not have even struggled at all. But, how long it took to get a diagnosis isn't important, but rather the fact that I did get one. Everything happens for a reason, and I trust that God is taking care of me. It becomes more and more clear every day what I was put on this earth to do. Also, if I have children later on, I'll be watching them closely, in case they begin to exhibit any of the symptoms I've shown over the years. Would not want them to endure what I've endured.

As far as my panic disorder is concerned, I had my first panic attack at 15. It took almost a year for that mystery to be solved, as I was diagnosed with panic disorder at 16. I still have panic attacks from time to time, and they're quite severe when I do get them. Instead of having smaller attacks every day to every other day like I used to, it's almost as if all of the anxious energy I have in my body saves up for a few months, and then bam! Hits me all at once. For the most part, I no longer fear having a panic attack, but some still manage to scare me silly. The depression, of course, usually accompanies anxiety, and the insomnia resulted from being afraid to go to sleep at night, due to my old fear of having a panic attack. While my insomnia is now improving, my OCD keeps me up at night. HAHA, the irony. But, I take every step I can to be happy and healthy. I'll get there! 🙂

So yep! That was my (long-winded) story. That's something else you all should know about me: I sure can talk a lot! Haha. 🙂 What I'm really hoping you guys take from this the most is that it is possible to live a healthy and meaningful life. We'll all have our days, but we have to keep moving forward. The life we want for ourselves is within our reach, we just have to go for it. 🙂

I'd love to hear your stories as well, guys! Please share if you feel comfortable doing so. We'll get through this together. 🙂

Please don't hesitate to say hello to the new girl. 🙂 I'm really nice!

Brandi