Please don't get confused about the title. It's just that I finally figured out what drove me to the point of insanity for the past week; physical lust. Not in the sexual way, but a lust for a companion, someone who can understand what I'm trying to say and do. That kind of lust.

Funny, because my dreams for the past two weeks have been that way. I'm not going into detail, but every one of them involved at least one girl: some from the past that I admired, some from the present that I don't truly know, and a few that were figments of my imagination.

I said it once, and I'll say it again; why is it that the female gender has such high influence on my thoughts? Even in the past, I interacted more with girls than guys. A bodybuilder I know might say it's excessive estrogen in my body (not kidding, it's a bit of a joke between us).

And, as always, it has to factor from my family again. I try to express who I want to become, and what I want out of my life, but my mother just can't take the hint. I'm failing classes again, and all she thinks is that I don't give a damned about my future. In reality, school doesn't give a damned about who I am. My school just expects the graduating seniors to go on to college and make a bright and happy future for ourselves; I want to explore the real world without preparations.

Call it risky or teenage rebellion, but that's what I think is the best course of action for me. I'm bound to start falling no matter what path I take, but with life experience, at least I'll know how to take the scrapes. My mom just says I'm being a lazy punk who's trying to get his way (outbreak at school involving screaming at the top of my lungs). I know what it is I'm trying to say, but if she won't bother to listen, why try to waste my time with it?

I just realized that I wrote that I might start acting for a living last time. That hasn't happened yet. The talent agency I went to wasn't worth it with the way they treat their clients. My mother couldn't find a babysitter for that day, so we had to take my brother and sister along to the office. We didn't even step inside before a woman came and said that we would have to reschedule because of excess people. I tried to negotiate, but it was trying to put a stick into a diamond; she didn't budge. If that's how they treat clients, I wouldn't bother going through the process again.

1 Comment
  1. sadviolinist 9 years ago

    I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling that lonely Yamino.  I understand though.  In college I went through the same thing.  It's hard to feel alone and not have someone you can discuss your thoughts and dreams with as well as your feelings.  But you know you can always come here to unload when you need to.  I'm also sorry the talent agency was so rude ~ they could have at least given you a phone call to prevent you from having to drive down there!  I don't blame you for not wanting to go back.  I hope you have some better days ahead. 

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