I have been on anxiety tribe for a while. I just feel I want to be here too. My anxiety is spiraling out of control and causing me to become so depressed. The only reason I don't do stupid things is because my boyfriend made me promise, his friend killed himself accidentally from slitting his wrists and another died from drugs. I couldn't ever do it to him. I have imagined the pain tho and thought about it. I thought it would make me forget. I know it's stupid to assume that but when I get like that nothing really matters anymore… except maybe him.

I really want to like life and be happy but I'm not. I don't know how it can better. I just think how pointless it all is. I'm unemployed after getting a level 8 degree from college. What's the point? With a chilcare qualification I'll only get minimum wage anyways (that's if I ever get a job), eve though I worked 4 years toward that stupid degree. When I graduated all I could think was whats the point. I didn't even pretend to be happy. Because of my anxiety I feared going anyway. I begged my boyfriend to call my parents and tell them I wasn't going. After all the work I put in it amounts to nothing.

The only thing about my life I'm remotely excited about is the thought of getting married to my boyfriend, if he ever proposes that is. I know I'm young but I want to be engaged young, have a long engagement get married and have babies at the latest in my early thirties. I don't have enough money to travel or be young so get me to the next fucking stage of this shitty life. Yes I know don't wish your life away and all that but how can I not when I don't have any direction.