Hi! I'm newly diagnosed and my therapist recommended journaling; this seems like a good place to do that!

I was diagnosed about a month ago and have been, well, obsessively reading everything I can find about OCD. It's been really interesting because I've found that there is SO MUCH I do that is in some way related to my OCD. I remember as a kid, maybe 2nd or 3rd grade, telling my mom one day that I was having "problems." She asked me what that meant, and I couldn't verbalize it. But thinking back on it, it was totally OCD. I used to blink at lights in a certain pattern – until I got yelled at to stop. And I was convinced all through 5th/6th grade that my hands smelled bad, so I was constantly smelling them.

My maternal grandmother likely had OCD. She was definitely a hoarder. My paternal grandfather almost certainly has OCD. And one of my children has some tendencies we've agreed to watch and talk about.

My biggest frustration is that nobody "gets it." Everybody I've told about my diagnosis is like, "yeah…duh." So apparently I'm the last one to know. I just thought I was Type A, or particular. And when I tell them about the ruminations, they tell me to just think about something else. Sigh. As if.

My OCD manifests in several different ways. And looking back, things seem to come and go. When my children were infants, I was obsessed with germs. That's a little better now, though I've come to realize that I don't touch doorknobs. I've been subconsciously doing that for who knows how long.

The biggest things now are related to hyper-organization. Which isn't always a bad thing. But it has gotten out of control. Lots of lists. I mean LOTS. And a compulsion to get everything on them done, which will pretty much never happen. And lots of checking behaviors…with very intricate "systems" I've put in place to ensure I don't forget anything or "mess up." And I try to keep the lists where my husband is unlikely to see them because they're embarrassing and I know he doesn't understand. (Though he's been amazing through the short journey we've had so far.)

And I ruminate. I feel like I have 15 radio stations going on in my head. And it's loud and exhausting. The doctor put me on sertraline, which has calmed me down quite a bit, but not 100%. I'm not sure what kind of "calm" baseline I'm shooting for.

I've been feeling pretty good on the meds. The anxiety has gone way down and I feel more like myself than I've felt in a long time. I didn't realize how "off" I had gotten until I came back.

When I went to the therapist last week I thought, "Well, I'm feeling good! What can we possibly talk about now?" And he doesn't want to discuss specific behaviors or thoughts, which is kind of all I want to talk about. And why I'm doing them or thinking that. Or, is "X" related to my OCD? Or does it just mean I'm a pain in the ass? So we talked about "mistakes" and how other people might perceive my mistakes versus how I perceive them. I'm hyper-conscientious and always thinking about what other people are thinking. It's exhausting. But I'm definitely harder on myself than anyone else ever would be.

I guess that's it for today. I have so many questions and so much to learn. I hope the process of journaling will help me track my progress. I wish my laptop hadn't crashed an hour ago; I feel like my first draft of this was better than this one is. ☺

1 Comment
  1. Ablee 6 years ago

    Welcome and its nice to know the medication is working for you.  I am a mom too and i was a little bit anxious with my first, she was born early and my obgyn and peditrician were over cautious so combine with my being careful not the best combo.  With my second, he was perfectly healthy and i wasn't like that but my mom got a communicable disease which i think triggered the beginnings of a very tough road (i was extremely cautious around her) finally a few years ago major stressors and incidents changed me into having full blown "ocd."  Now sadly I am struggling with handwashing and wiping things and its so hard.  I hope i can overcome it i have been trying with exposure therapy but basically i do this on my own since i can't afford therapy right now. 

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