1st Therapy Session today. I am replaying constantly the entire session over and over and the overall feeling I have is of regret and embarassment. She spent the last five minutes telling me about privacy laws and the only way she could divulge my confidential info was if I said I wanted to hurt someone or myself, or blah blah blah. Right after she said that I said, Well, you can go ahead and write down that I do not want to hurt myself or anyone. That is not me. But I'm thinking, what if Ihave a fear thatI might hurt someone -I don't want to, but what if the thought crossed your mind that you might go crazy and hurt someone or yourself. Will she tell on me? I know that's different from wanting to hurt someone – but does she? I don't know. I just want the CBT and then I want to get out of there. When I get nervous I really start to blab. She asked me about my childhood and when did my symptoms start. Sheesh. What can I say except that I've always been this way? I've never been happy. Every time I start to feel a little happy, some little nagging voice says, But, hey! What about this little scenario and it turns my happy moment into a bittersweet moment or a tragedy in the making. How can I stop that? It just really dawned on me today that normal people do not get that upset when their husbands have headaches. When my husband gets headaches I automatically become upset and think he's got an anuerysm or a tumor. It will bother me for days and for days I will ask him if he's ok. Even though I know he's had migraines since he was a kid and he's been to the doctor and he does not have a tumor or a blood clot. But, what if.. You know I can't and never really have been able to just sit and relax and listen to music. I can't empty my mind. There's always something to worry about. I always have the feeling that something bad is about to happen. How can CBT change that? Maybe I should just concentrate on accepting this OCD and try to live with it? Maybe I should just accept that I can't change – this is the way I am wired. I can make little alterations in my life to make it better, but I will probably never be able to enjoy life to the fullest without some nagging worry. You know I think it's that I care too much – but if that's the case, I'd rather care too much than not at all, even if it's sometimes agonizing.
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Stick with the therapy! I know it's hard. Every time I have an appointment I dread it for a couple of days before and want to cancel. I think, "I can handle this stupid OCD. Therapy is just making it worse." It's not true. That's my OCD talking.
Keep with it and you will see benefits, I'm sure of it. It will take some time, and honestly, my OCD is off the charts right now. It's like I'm in a struggle of wills fighting for control of my mind, my sanity.
At the same time, I can feel positive changes taking place and it gives me hope.
Stick with it and let us know how it goes:)