1st Therapy Session today. I am replaying constantly the entire session over and over and the overall feeling I have is of regret and embarassment. She spent the last five minutes telling me about privacy laws and the only way she could divulge my confidential info was if I said I wanted to hurt someone or myself, or blah blah blah. Right after she said that I said, Well, you can go ahead and write down that I do not want to hurt myself or anyone. That is not me. But I'm thinking, what if Ihave a fear thatI might hurt someone -I don't want to, but what if the thought crossed your mind that you might go crazy and hurt someone or yourself. Will she tell on me? I know that's different from wanting to hurt someone – but does she? I don't know. I just want the CBT and then I want to get out of there. When I get nervous I really start to blab. She asked me about my childhood and when did my symptoms start. Sheesh. What can I say except that I've always been this way? I've never been happy. Every time I start to feel a little happy, some little nagging voice says, But, hey! What about this little scenario and it turns my happy moment into a bittersweet moment or a tragedy in the making. How can I stop that? It just really dawned on me today that normal people do not get that upset when their husbands have headaches. When my husband gets headaches I automatically become upset and think he's got an anuerysm or a tumor. It will bother me for days and for days I will ask him if he's ok. Even though I know he's had migraines since he was a kid and he's been to the doctor and he does not have a tumor or a blood clot. But, what if.. You know I can't and never really have been able to just sit and relax and listen to music. I can't empty my mind. There's always something to worry about. I always have the feeling that something bad is about to happen. How can CBT change that? Maybe I should just concentrate on accepting this OCD and try to live with it? Maybe I should just accept that I can't change – this is the way I am wired. I can make little alterations in my life to make it better, but I will probably never be able to enjoy life to the fullest without some nagging worry. You know I think it's that I care too much – but if that's the case, I'd rather care too much than not at all, even if it's sometimes agonizing.