I am forever wondering if there will ever be a day my OCD doesn\’t run my life. I mean, really, at this point it feels like my OCD is some evil stepmother telling me what to do. And, of course, I always listen.

My OCD has convinced me on several occasions to just stay away from the whole idea of \’love\’. Every time I feel that I\’m starting to have feelings for someone, my OCD comes up with a millions reasons not to go through with it. It\’s mentally exhausting. I\’m miserable. I know it sounds soooo cliche, but how am I supposed to be happy if I can never experience love? I know you\’re always supposed to \”love yourself\” before you ever fall in love with anybody else, and I do. I\’m just afraid once people find out that I have OCD, they won\’t love me. At this point, it feels like I will be living alone for the rest of my life. I love throwing all I have into my studies, but nothing can beat having someone to come home to every night. Or even just someone to talk to.

I think of the many years before I was diagnosed with OCD and all I can feel is sad. There have been many parts of my life that I have been TRULY happy. None of those parts have happened since I was diagnosed with OCD almost two years ago, though. I took my state of mental health for granted all my life. And there\’s nothing I regret more.

I want to meet people like the ones on here that have OCD. I want to be able to have someone in my life to relate to. I just don\’t want to feel alone anymore. I am longing for the days when happiness wasn\’t some unknown word.

Catch up soon,

Jada

1 Comment
  1. anigrace 4 years ago

    I feel your pain. My OCD too pops up when I want to love somebody. I too look back at the times when I didn’t have it, and I cry. It’s frustrating. There are moments when OCD doesn’t pop up when I am loving someone and those moments are precious. My last counselor told me sometimes it just sucks, and accept that it sucks. I don’t know if that is wonderful advice, but it did take the load off of how things are supposed to be instead of how they are at that moment. Maybe accepting things as they are will give you a freedom from wanting things a better way (because you remembered a better way). Keep the hope alive. I became depressed because of my OCD, but I recently tried TMS for depression, and I am more positive than I was. OCD still robs my love sometimes, but I try to remember those moments that OCD doesn’t affect me, keep your awareness of those moments and cherish those moments, and try to let go of the suckiness. That’s what I am trying to do.

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