Trying out this blogging thing for the first time. Recently I have found myself expressing a lot of anger very suddenly and for some small things, even. 5 years ago I lost my brother in a car accident and I have never fully expressed my feelings about it. When it happened and shortly after, I did a lot of drinking, nothing over the top though to where it became a problem. I have struggled with getting it together to know what I want to do for schooling and finally have figure out just what I want to do, there for now I am finding myself making it impossible to get into the program, or even apply for that matter because I owe money to my last school, which makes it so they won't send out my transcripts. Working a lot of OT to get on top of bills. I have a baby boy who is my world and believe it or not, his necessities are not my money problems, thats a piece of cake! It's things I did in the past to get into debt, etc… but I find myself ridiculously upset with myself for not already having the best for my boy.
A house falling apart- ready to move!!!!! but my boyfriend won't sell it until he updates it…why?!
A mother- who continually acts as if she's 21… shes upset when she babysits for me (which has only happens a hand full of times) because I am going out and she's not. Trying to be more of a friend than a mother.. I mentioned my anxiety and depression issues so she told me to go see my doctor and see about meds they can prescribe for me- the next day she shoves it in my face that I need to be put on meds, in front of my boyfriend "to look tough."
My parents are divorced- dad is super laid back, hates drama, keeps to himself unless its with us of course. My mother is mortified by the fact i spend more time with him- does she really blame me? I get along with him every possible second. She on the other hand is always bringing me down- maybe not intentionally but she is living her life in such a way that a 48 year old woman shouldn't be. And maybe I am being biased and judgmental..
I am rambling… but damn does it feel good to let this stuff out and not be judged for it.
Money is an issue for MOST people.. and that is something I am working on and will have better in my life.
For now- I need emotional and mental positivity. No- im not suicidal- but being unhappy to the ones closest to me (my boyfriend is my backbone, my rock- but yet he takes the most slams from me because when I am upset I turn it to him…he takes a lot- he hasn't given up on me, thank god)
Time to get better!