Today I am taking the day off with my family. We all agreed that since its hard to get anything done (job, aid, school wise) on weekends we would take today off. I wish we had a little money to go do something because the weather is rather cold so hanging out outside wouldnt be very comfortable.

I will find something that we can do.

I'm really just having a hard time on the inside this week. Whenever I have a few quiet minutes I can feel it. I dont feel worthy. Its so hard to believe that I am a good person when nobody who knows me wants to be around me. I am trying so hard to change that feeling and those thoughts. Its hard to think good things about myself when those who know me best have nothing good to say about me. The feeling of wanting to isolate myself from everyone is completely overwhelming right now. I dont mean physical isolation (though I do that most of the time right now too) but the walls I have built to keep people away from me. To keep everyone at arms length or further. I dont think I could even fight that instinct right now if I wanted and I dont really want to. So many have hurt me this year. Everyone. When I have a calm moment I still struggle to understand how everyone I knew/know could choose the lowest point of my life to leave me. I must be a really horrible person. Its really the only thing that makes sense.

Its very hard for me to stick with this……the day off. The kids are enjoying themselves and my husband appears to be too. I hate downtime atm because then I have to deal with all those feelings. Those feelings and trying to understand all that has happened to me recently (especially the last year). I'd much rather run from it. Stay busy and avoid dealing with it but I know that it wont go away. It'll just stay there and wait for me to get tired of running.


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