Once again, I don’t know what to write about but I feel like writing. I’m sitting outside and the sun doesn’t look right to my eyes. The sun itself is far too bright, and it’s not illuminating the world properly. It’s leaving huge swaths of the world in dark shadow. The days are dark and bright at the same time, it’s bizarre. But it must just be me that sees it this way, because everyone else is going about life like everything’s normal. If everyone saw the world the way I do, there would be mass hysteria. I’m really scared right now, nothing looks right to my eyes. I’m actually terrified, because it feels like I’m disappearing right now. There’s a bit of cloud covering the sun, it helps a lot. Because the sun itself is just too bright. I don’t understand why everything looks so terrible to my eyes. It must be a symptom of my schizophrenia. I can’t think of another explanation. I feel totally detached from everything around me. When my husband is home, I feel totally detached from him. I hate feeling this way.
When is the world going to go back to normal, and be safe again? The bad voice is telling me, “Never!” It can’t be like this forever, it just can’t! It has to go back to normal! I can’t deal with this much longer, I’m scared out of my mind and it feels like I am disappearing, and that everything around me is disappearing too. It helps me to write all this out, but I’m scared out of my mind at the same time, because it literally feels like I am disappearing. Oh nuts, I’m getting repetitive. I was afraid that would happen. I literally don’t know what to do about this, I feel like I’m barely here, like I’m barely breathing, like I’m just floating away into nothingness. I need Jesus. I won’t get to talk to my spiritual director until April 7th, for some reason she wants to wait that long. I’ve been praying and praying, but nothing’s happening. It’s like Jesus is not there, or something. That can’t be possible.
The more I look around me, the more it looks like everything is disappearing. I’m listening to the jazz station, and that sounds normal. For the most part, my sense of hearing is not affected, even though I do have auditory hallucinations. But I can still hear everything normally. It’s my visuals that are distorted, it’s really frightening. The visual distortions coupled with the bad voice that I hear makes for a frightening psychotic episode. I want a bagel with cream cheese. My sense of taste is still ok as well, thank goodness. My sense of touch is sometimes compromised, as I feel so detached from everything around me. Sometimes when I touch my husband it’s like there’s nothing there, or it’s very fleeting. Sometimes his kisses barely register on my lips, and that’s quite upsetting. He will be home in five hours and forty-five minutes. I don’t feel like I can wait that long! I’m going to go make a bagel now. I’ll be back. Ok, I’ve made my bagel. I have to sit outside with a hat on, in order to deal with how bright the sun is. It’s just not right! I can’t stand this anymore. Things just don’t look right to my eyes! I don’t know what to do! I mean, how can you fix the sun? It’s the sun, for crying out loud! I just don’t know what to do.