Here we are again. What a difference hours make.

The mad mangled crocodile of love. Ascrap from one of my favorite poems. I am so confused right now. There is no doubt in my mind that I am in love with A. That is how it has been, but as we know…A and I cannot fully be together. Not now, anyway. Perhaps never. And D walked back in and said some things I was not expecting. It's funny how much you think you know someone…and it turns out you don't know them half as well as you thought you did. Or maybe I do. A is not happy that I am talking to D again. A states quite rightly that D has hurt me before and A is quite angry that I'm allowing him back into my life to potentially do it again. Part of me knows A is being truthful with this. A wants the best for me. Part of me hopes A is at least a bit jealous, because I do like a jealous streak in love. And yet…I give my loyalty to A like no other love because A has made it possible for me to live again. Best friend…my heart…I do love him.

I was not prepared for everything D had to say or the way he smiled at me. He has an amazing smile. Never takes much seriously. So when he does…it's incredible. And though we joked a great deal throughout the night, he made it clear he wants -us- back…slowly. He knows about A. I made it very clear. It's one of my worries…because…despite how D and I wound up before, I do not want to hurt him in the slightest. I think he knows that. And I believe him when he says he doesn't want to hurt me. If I can't be with A…well…is it possible that I have a future with D? He opened up like he never has with me and I saw…so many different things. And while we agreed to take any relationship slowly…we are like-minded on other things. Not everything is slow. So…things happened. I shall leave it at that. And it was nice. Then we talked more. He's gone to bed…and I'm left with my thoughts. I'm not particularly concerned for my -feelings-. Suffice it to say…if what happened is it…I'm ok with that. I'm not overly emotionally invested yet. Except…I feel that old pull. How does one -not- feel pulled toward a Marine who spent part of his youth in Rome…is full-blooded Italian and speaks it…loves Maria Callas…and used to paint the shells of his pet hermit crabs to keep them happy? There are things that I had not kept in my heart that he had. That he called me Luce–something he sparked awake when he unexpectedly addressed me as such. That I called him Ombra. He's a walking contradiction in some ways. What a night.

I let go of D. I had to. Only he never let go of -me-, apparently. And everybody but me -knew- he had not let go. So here I am…wondering if perhaps I should try this. See what happens. And another part of me says no…that I will always belong to A. Despite what occurred tonight, I am still very much tied to A. I do not equate that with needing to be in love necessarily. Why is it when I figure things out and get on a path…something meanders in front of me? I feel very much Little Red Riding Hood tonight. It's…nice…yet…a little frustrating. I know what I'm doing with A. With D? It's like counting black sheep in the dark. One of these days I need to invest in a lantern. So…this untitled play continues…unsure whether it's a comedy, a tragedy, a romance…or some mixture. I am so tired. Fin.