A new obsession appeared a few days ago. It was impossible to control at first and feeling totally depressed, I was convinced of the truthfulness of the thought (even if I knew deep down it was OCD), as always. Today was better. I finally was able to sleep, and I was able to fight the thoughts a little more. I went to university as well, I listened in class, I took notes as always, I talked with my friends etc. That's the key I think. Going on with my life and doing the same things as usual builds up my tolerance to that thing.Of course, I'm very anxious. But I'm trying to hold on the best I can. However, I'm still wondering – again – if a OCD thought can be real. I know, it's stupid to try to find an answer. But sometimes, I can't help wondering if the fear could be true, even if it's OCD, you see what I mean? Like, if I'm afraid that I've done something wrong or even illegal, I obsess about it, but somehow I wonder if it could be true, and if I've done something bad indeed, then the anxiety is legitimate and I deserve to be anxious, I don't know if you follow my logic. But I try to ignore these thoughts, because I know it's pointless… but damn, it is hard! My OCD is more about actions than thoughts. I feel guilty if I thought something bad, but I'm not afraid anymore to harm people or stuff like that, I obsess about some actions that I did, and then I'm worried that I DID something bad and I try to determine if it's forgivable etc.

Well… tomorrow I have my highway code – it's a exam we have to pass in France, called "le code de la route" to be able to take driving lessons (and then you have the driving test) – and I'm sooooo nervous. I'm always worried before exams, but as usual, I'm worried that my OCD will get in the way and alters my concentration during the exam, and that I will fail it because of anxiety. See, all of that has a cost (theoretical and practical driving lessons): about 1300 euros if you're lucky (no I'm not kidding). Then, if you fail the highway code exam, you get another chance, and if you fail it a second time, you have to pay again! Same thing for the driving test. Quickly it can cost you 2500 euros. Sooooo I'm even more nervous. You have like 20 seconds to answer for each of the 40 questions, you can only make 5 mistakes, and I'm always afraid to not be able to concentrate in time, and to not answer the question, because of anxiety and because of the little voice in my head that tells me I don't deserve to pass the exam. Gosh, THIS IS ANNOYING. Sometimes I wonder if I would have better grades and if I would be more talented if I didn't have OCD. You know? I feel like I'm not myself and that I will never be able to do my best because of that disease that alters my concentration for everything. I'm always afraid to not understand and to not take in as much as I would if I was "normal".

But well … wish me luck!