I’ve been diagnosed with GAD ad OCD since I was 13. I was unable to go to high school, unable to eat, sleet, leave my house, etc My then psychiatrist put me on Clonazapem, which I was on for 2 and a half years. I started going to a new psychiatrist, and was weaned off of it. Withdraw was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, but I’m so happy I’m off the Benzos. Now, I’ve been off for three months, and I’ve been out of my last relationship for 6. The last guy I dated was abusive, physically and emotionally. He hit me, called me names, yelled at me continually, didn’t take no for an answer behind closed doors. I am scarred both physically and mentally by the mess he created. I let him treat me that way, didn’t I? I am to blame, in my eyes. Why did I settle for him?
I have no good answer, but I can say that it’s probably because of my OCD. I let myself believe that I deserved that kind of treatment, and that what he did was OK. I have intrusive thoughts about him constantly. But I know that there must be a way to stop them, right? And I realize now more than ever that I was never attracted to him, I was just obsessed with the thought of having someone like me. And it’s for this reason that I am struggling now. I’m struggling to see the line between obsession and my actual opinion. Do I like this person, or is my OCD just creeping it’s way through my life? And how did it take me this long to notice that my unhealthy thought pattern is only destructive? More importantly, how long has my mindset been controlled by OCD, and how do I stop it?