Im no better today, its horrible to admit this but i dont even have the motivation or willingness to have a shower…. i was doing so good then i fucked it all up. i felt this coming for a long time but i didnt really do anything about it, instead i spent the whole weekend using. My arms are sore, they have brusises and track marks on them. Thats the life and one thing i was running so hard and far away from and in one weekend i went back there and now im here….in nothingness. I woke today and sat and stared at the wall for about 6 hours, untill i got up and came on this. I didnt even have music on or a tv or anything. Im in a dark , black place and right now i dont think i can come back out of it. I dont want to use today and dont feel the physical or mental need for it, so its just me… fucked up.
I have an appointment with the psych on wednesday morning. Maybe i need to go back on methadone… maybe this recovery just isnt something i can do? Maybe il never be better, the one thing that makes me feel so horrible is imagining i could live for another 50 or 60 years and that i would feel like this………. i wouldnt be able to do it. I dont feel anything other than unhappiness , pain and upset. Even when i cry its just silent tears falling from my eyes. Even if a magic genie appeared and offered me 3 wishes i would have nothing to ask him for because there is not one thing i can think of that would make me happy.Nothing.
The tablets im on are Zispin 15mg twice a day, for anyone who was wondering what they are there anti-depressants. Not benzo's so thats somehting good i suppose. Google them and something should come up.