So, I've been drinking again. I haven't been getting wasted, but I have been trying to be a 'social' drinker. After all that clean time, I just decided to have a drink and it's become a habit when other people are having some I join them. I have all the feelings I should be having from my higher power, telling me I don't need it, that it's a waste of time, that it's not aiding me in any way. Even when I pick up that first drink, I am hesitent, but I do it anyway. I am not getting drunk to where I feel awful in the morning and it isn't affecting me physically, like so many other times I was a slave to drugs, but I know it isn't good. It still feels like a step back. I haven't been to NA in a while, I guess I feel guilty, I can't work the program and have the occasional drink as well. I know it doesn't work that way. I have been avoiding my God, my feelings and why really I've started drinking again. I don't really know why, and I don't really enjoy it. Deep down when I do drink, I feel like it's not enough, and it never is enough, and if I really didn't have anything or one to care about or who cares about me, I would probably just succumb to drugs. But I know better than that now. I know life can be so much sweeter on the other side without drugs. My this inner struggle continues. Sometimes it seems so easy to be intune with God and his promises, but when I avoid that connection, everything slips down the cracks so quickly. I know what I have to do. I am frustrated that I just can't always do it. Why I decide to choose my own path instead of surrendering and letting God guide me I don't know. I thought I should come clean, and get this out. It's easter this weekend, I really would like to enjoy it and not drink. Say a prayer for me that I can do this, and get back towards freedom. After all the good things I have said about recovery and the good life, relapse is so difficult to talk about, and it makes me a bit discouraged, but I am glad I have someone who understands to share it with. Thanks guys