What can I say? This week has just been total shat. Between my ipod randomly gaining dead pixels, the mouse half-broken, one usb port almost completely broken, all recent, and then all the bs that happens week after week, but this one in particular it all seems to come out…
I'm just so stupid. School is pretty much my whole life and I can't remember anything anymore to save my life. I study so hard and my test grades are in the toilet… especially japanese. And it's all just been crap. I feel so stupid, and everyone else makes me feel really stupid.
In japanese now I'm supposed to write this essay… in letter form… that's when the teacher went around drooling over certain people telling them they should become a japanese minor. But what's new. Anyway, I've written it twice and I haven't gotten a score above a 7. Doesn't help that she doesn't exactly say what's wrong with it… in any case, I've got to memorize it and then present it. She just wrote my down for the first day… I can't do this! I can't stand in front of them. I can't speak to them… I don't know what I'm gonna do. I can't do it. I can't do anything.
Something else is always being a stranger. I sit alone everyday at lunch… when I walk the halls people walk by me like I don't exist, or if they say anything they make some snarky comment because I can't talk… when we have to work in groups in poetry class I just kinda sit there being awkward and ignored… big hurting thing is that I belong to this forum where very few people post much… and I go there everyday, and I know that nobody knows me because I have a yellow streak a mile wide… but then, despite how much I'm there, most of them don't even know I exist! Actually, I found out on Friday that the people that I've been living with for a whole school year don't even know I exist, let alone know my name. I already knew my connections were nil and tenuous but… that really hurts. I really am invisible.
I don't want to be here at school, yet I don't want to be at home… my mom calls today and tells me about these things… some young girl cut her off while she was driving and stuck up her middle finger and played games with the breaks and shat… then she called the police… God I just hate this world so much. And my mom missed the tax deadline because the computer wasn't working… the dogs got into another scrap and the little one got injured again and we don't have the money to take her back to the vet's… my "sister's car" (aka not really hers) is still in holding because we can't afford to pay for it (it had to get repairs or something because my idiot sister took it out in the snow and got it stuck… repeatedly. REPEATEDLY.). Sister's cell is disconnected because she's two months late on that… then she and stepfather start arguing on some bs that I don't remember, then my mom gets in on that too… I just can't take it anymore.
I picked a green tea bottle out of the trash. I want to just break it on me and go crazy, let the blood spill all around me, let the burning pain rip through my being… I wish I could do it without worrying about scars or guilt or confessions… I can't take this life. Why can't I just be a compassionless drunk? Like my professor said, why do we continue to suffer through pain if there's nothing on the other side. All the crap will never go away even if I miraculously change… I want to end it all right now. I have so many pills and I can buy high-strength Tylenol. Why can't I just do it? Everything's so effed up… and I hate myself just as much as anything else… I want to feel the pain, I want to let all the anger out and see it on myself, on the outside… I want to go wild.
Nothing can ever change…
my life is meaningless. my life is over.