pt. 1: I don’t know any other feeling than what I feel every day. The feeling of squeezing, crushing, stabbing, punching at my heart and chest. Sometimes its much stronger than other times; in the mornings its probably strongest. Other times it could just be for no reason whatsoever, out of the blue, even when I’m happy it crawls into my body and shuts me down somehow. It always finds a way. The pain I’ve felt constantly, maybe at least one hour per day for the past year. It used to happen a lot when I was in middle school, but it wildly stopped for about 1 1/2 years into high school. It’s much more real now. There are very few ways I can stop the pain and itching urge to just rip my own hair out (which in fact I used to be treated for… Trichotilamania, I definitely spelled it wrong). I was getting so much better, but now I’ve started again. Painting, drawing, making jewelry, playing my guitar and ukulele are just some small hobbies I’ve picked up during the years I was in therapy. I’ve continued them onto this day and they have all become a part of me. I never want to lose this gateway, this pathway to even a second of calm and release. Especially since Ive grown to love the little things I make and learn.
pt. 2: I think I’m being forgotten. I used to have so many friends last year and the year before, but this year I really have just lost touch with everyone. This year I’ve spent more of my time sleeping hours during the day than partying like every other girl my age “should” be doing in their high school years. I make plans weeks in advance and actually would rather sleep through it when it comes to the time! It’s come to a point where I’d rather sleep through just about anything, literally anything. My friends have taken my constant naps as an insult, as I am constantly criticized for how many naps I take a day. I must admit its definitely all my fault because it’s my actions that caused this but I can’t help myself. I love my friends and I want to be loved by them too, but I rarely ever feel happy enough to drag myself into the bathroom to get ready. It’s not a tired feeling, its a pain feeling. So what do I do? “Don’t worry, you’ll see them at school tomorrow”. The tiny voice justifies my action and lets me sleep through my life. I’m losing myself, my life, my friends, my family. Time is almost out for me to be a high school girl and make mistakes. I look at everyone in the grades below and above me who have made and are making such an experience for themselves, and wonder how they could be so happy and willing to do all that. I worry I’ll never be happy enough to ever be myself again. My constant pain in my chest, and my sadness is ruining me, and I don’t know how to kick it out. I don’t know how to snap out of it. Its either that, or I just let go for real.. I think of it as “the easy pass”. Which I can’t seem to fully accept anyways, so I fight.
pt.3: My family is slowly falling apart in my eyes. My sister willingly admits she will never stand up for me about anything. She recently stood up for my ex-bf and bashed me to all her new friends because she could. She has taken to going out with people who used to be my friends but now text her for hangouts instead of me, and doesn’t bother to invite me even when she knows I’m alone. When she had no friends in her lower/middle school years she was my best friend, I’d invite her to everything I did and now she doesn’t even look me in the eye to ask me one thing about my day. She has changed so much, my old sister isn’t in there anymore. My mom is being suspicious, I feel slightly uncomfortable going into detail online about her life, but she’s really changed too.. in a way that could really blow up in her face in a major way. My dad seems to be the only one that listens to my problems. I think it’s because we are really similar. We both like to be alone, want to be loved but can’t make the effort to find it, worry over everything, glass-half-empty kind of people, we connect in a way that I will never have with my mom or sister, and I cherish that. He’s the one I talk to. If it ever comes down to it he’s the person I’d want to live with, not my mom. My mom gets mad at me when I tell her how I feel. She always turns my sadness into a criticism toward her parenting, and gets mad at me for it. She throws things at me, tissue boxes, her computer, her phone, etc. Whenever I ask her if I can talk to someone about my hair problem, and how I feel she says it’s a waste. I just wish she would actually listen to me instead of taking it the wrong way. My family makes my anxiety worse, I feel unwanted and stupid when I say things sometimes. I only feel comfort with myself.
I’m sorry this is so long and probably really personal. I will probably delete this soon but I’ve just never been able to vent like I did here. Any reaction would be great… I’m yet to find someone who feels similar to what I feel.