Why am I wasting my life like this?

Made such an ass out of myself with the British guy yesterday on skype…. I accidentally got sooo fucking drunk and high, I barely remember it.  Shame on me, seriously.  And then I feel like shit about it later on, I don't know why I do this to myself.  Do I think this guy actually takes me seriously in any way? I think I have more fun on skype than I would if I fucked him in real life… he would learn how fucking repressed and miserable I am, which is not a turn-on at all.  Yet here I am, waiting around for him on skype, wishing and hoping and praying that he'll come on.

The bee thing is the bane of my existence lately…. I think Frank is seriously delusional to get me involved in this thing at all…. everyone else he's collaborating with are like virtuosos and what they do, and really excited to be a part of it, and… unlike me… actually know what the fuck they're doing!! The producer guy thought my bee sketches were weird and sad and scary and wants me to brighten it up, etc…. I feel like such a fucking loser, seriously.  And I am so fucking unmotivated to do it and I keep coming up with excuses to avoid working on it, this is horrible.  And all I'm doing is making myself and Frank look really fucking bad.  But Frank is the crazy one for asking me to do this in the first place.  I wish he would take my advice and hire someone who knows what the fuck they're doing… maybe… someone who has done this before? The whole thing is so infuriating to me, and it just stresses me out a lot and I want absolutely nothing to do with it.  I really wish that Frank could take a fucking hint!!

All I want at this moment is to see my skype buddy…. honestly… this is the only thing in the world that I enjoy these days.  It's getting colder, so seasonal depression is settling in, blah blah blah…. I know it's an easy excuse but I never fail to hide behind it during the colder months.

Plus there's this thanksgiving drama nonsense bullshit with Jake & Kelly and it's really bothering me… ughhh I wish I never had to see her face again.

Started painting a little bit again last weekend… not great results, but here's the thing…. I want to start painting prolifically  not because I want to paint, but basically because I'm bored and frustrated and not passionate about anything… so I'm just hoping that by default, maybe I'll become passionate toward it…. I don't know…. basically I'm just bored as fuck and I really loathe my existence.  Man oh man, life is frustrating.

Work is frustrating and tense… like, unbelievably.  I honestly hate everyone at that place, except obviously Melissa…. everyone there is either retarded and doesn't listen to my instructions, or they're a complete fucking asshole to me, or an intolerable combination of the two.  The fact that I lasted as long as I did at this place is beyond me…. because it's really an awful place to work.

Sooo pretty much all I do is work and look forward to possibly seeing my skype buddy on weekends…. and I always have to be wasted when I see him because he's so hot and so out of my league and I can't relax unless I'm drinking and I realize it's awful unhealthy behavior but I love it when I engage it… and I figure that since it's not like I do it every day, then it's okay.

I still feel like a wretched human being, though….. I guess it's like cheating but not really because it's not in-person so it doesn't matter…. although in my heart, I feel like it's cheating… but that's because I was raised to feel ashamed about everything, so I really don't know what to make of it.  All I know is that I'm staying on skype for as long as I can today, hoping that he'll come on.

What else can I do? How should I feel?


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