Today has been much better for me. It’s amazing how much easier things have gotten for me since I’ve come to terms with the fact that I am actually depressed. For so long, I’ve attempted to cope with my mental instability alone, denying its severity, but now that I’ve accepted my mental disability; I no longer blame myself for its symptoms. I take things very personally, even when they aren’t meant to be so cruel. For quite some time, my bad days have outnumbered the good. When I’d slip into a deeply depressive state of mind, I blamed myself. When I didn’t feel up to doing the things I knew I needed to, I felt like a horrible parent and wife. When I broke down for no reason, I felt weak. When my mind shuts down and I can’t comprehend anything correctly, I felt stupid. Now that I am well aware my depression has taken a large toll on my life and there’s nothing I did wrong to make this happen, it’s almost like I’ve been freed. It’s not something I can fix on my own, no matter how hard I try, and not being able to fix it doesn’t make me useless. It makes me human. Needing help doesn’t mean I’m weak, it means I’m intelligent to realize this has become more than just a bad mood here and there, it’s become a major disruption of my life. My motivation for seeking treatment isn’t for myself, it’s for my family. When I hurt, my husband hurts. My mood brings him down too, and it makes me feel that much worse. And my son can tell when something is wrong with me too. He’s so young but so aware of my condition that its frightening sometimes. He can tell, at just 11 months, that something isn’t right with mommy. My husband and I will be moving into our apartment tomorrow. We moved most of our stuff today. He has a good job and we have a great son. I have no reason to be this unhappy when I have so many supporting and inspiring people in my life. I’d done letting this hold me back from my success. I’m done blaming myself for things I didn’t bring on myself. I’m done feeling sorry for myself. Its time I take action and take my life back. I deserve to smile for a change. One of my favorite quotes: “Make changes not excuses”

3 Comments
  1. MissMyFam 9 years ago

    So glad to hear hope in your voice! It is very hard to come to grips with depression, accept that we are all flawed in some way yet worthwhile nonetheless! You sound like a sensitive person who is deeply caring and trying to understand and fix everything. Be gentle with yourself!

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  2. Andie372 9 years ago

     Sometimes when you give something a name, it helps to identify what it is.  In our case it's depression, so once we call it what it is we can research and do what it takes to get ourselves  better.  Congratulations on your son, bet he's really cute.  My two are grown and I have a granddaughter, 7.  My family is also the reason I struggle through.

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  3. JSPatrick 9 years ago

     you sound like you are headed in the right direction, best of luck to you(i had to comment because your blog sounded alot like me) I think I am headed in the right direction.

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