Hey everyone, this is a post I wrote out on another forum about a year ago but I never really got any responses so I just wondered if I would get any luck here ? I would just like to say I am no where near as bad as this now !! Also if this is OCD I am lucky in a way I am no where near as bad as my boyfriend is but all this could just be me being silly But I still want to know what people think. Thank you everyone !
Well I'm 15 and last night i had a conversation with my boyfriend which involved me telling him about some of my strange thoughts and habits and now he seems convinced i have ocd, i just wanted another opinion.
My earliest OCDish thing which i remember thinking was when i was about 8 or 9 during my mum and dads second divorce from eachother. I was seeing my dad for the first time since the split and he was staying round my nans, i asked if he could fix my bike puncture for me and he just flipped.. It was months before i saw him again and when i did arrange anything he would regularly cancel on me for things such as golf tournaments. Not long after that i would go and quietly sit in my room while horrible sick and twisted ways i could kill my dad went through my mind, i hated it, but i would go through questions like would i really like that ? and would i love for it to happen..and if i was capable of it. I would argue with myself until i felt so confused and would just end up bursting into tears.
Thoughts like that continued on random topics, the one about my dad lasted for about 3 years. I always just saw them as random thoughts, i thought they were normal but now my boyfriend says there not, and seems he suffers i thought i should probably consider his opinion quite seriously. The most recent thought was when i stroke one of my cats, for example if i stroke him too hard i will get thoughts of whether i did it on purpose, and i would argue against it continuously..and if i would want to hurt him in other ways like gouging his eyes out..the idea of it now upsets me but i still get this doubt of whether i would.
I have random little habits like making sure my pillows are in the right order and my teddy bears at the end of my bed are in the right place. I'm not a neat freak or anything, im far from it but its just little things that bug the hell out of me if there not right. If i listen to a song more than once it has to be either 5, 10, 15 times etc. If i go into a toilet and the toilet roll is the wrong way round i have to fix it other wise i wont be able to concentrate on much else until its put right and another thing is if i start something i MUST finish it. See i thought everyone did little things like this but now i guess i might be wrong..
Another example which i have done since as long as i can remember is if i am sitting in a moving car i mentally picture the car fitting precisely within the gaps in the lamp posts (its hard to explain) but i keep doing it and i get caught into this loop which i find hard to snap out of and i get a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach (kind of like a weight or something heavy in it) as if something really bad will happen if i do stop. These are only some of the things
My boyfriend has recomended i see a professional but i feel kind of scared, seeing someone like that would make the problem just feel too real I have spoken so much to him about his ocd that the idea of me having it as well seems kind of silly to me, but now im having doubts. Just wanted to see what you all think..all replied and opinions will be appreciated. Thank you