Today's been a crappy day if I'm honest. I guess it'll be yesterday by the time I post this* and maybe I'll feel differently about it by then. I don't call myself "ambivalent" for nothing.
I had an appointment with my counselor and a psychiatrist today. Got asked a ton of questions that I would've been happy to answer in full detail if I hadn't been stuttering so badly. I was so frustrated with myself after. I wouldn't have minded smashing a few things. I walked it off (literally) on my way to the library. It's just I'm willing to do almost anything that I think will help me at this point and I know that they more the know the better they can help me. It feels like a betrayal to myself when I'm spilling my guts, but I don't have much to lose and it's the only card I've got to play, so away I spill (to the best of my ability, my subconscious has other ideas about me spilling my guts). Anyway, the frustration stemmed from me not being able to answer the questions to my own satisfaction. I had to choose my words carefully since they're rather limited when you consider the effort it takes for someone with a severe stutter to eek out a coherent sentence. I wish I had thought to ask for a pen and paper. All the way to the library I was beating myself up over how things had gone. I'm running out of time and I really can't afford to fuck up things like this. At the same time I'm aware it couldn't have gone any other way. The gap between what I Know and what I Feel is vast. It causes a lot of conflict that results in a mental war that results in thoughts being fired so quickly from both sides that it all ends up sounding like static. While incoherent, the static still manages to have a big affect on my emotional state.

I always feel like I'm not doing enough. Whatever you can think of, I'm not doing "enough". My mom's sick right now (when isn't she,? She's been sick my whole life). I guess it was just particularly bad today. I could tell just by looking at her that her migraine was excruciating. She can barely speak without wincing. I hate feeling so powerless to help. I'd take her pain as my own if I could, in a heartbeat.

While things've been particularly awful lately, it's still not all bad. I'm going to be an aunt soon. I'm thrilled to bits. ^-^ She's going to be the cutest baby ever, I just know it. It's funny, they're predicting she'll be born in two weeks, but it's only going to feel real to me when I'm holding her. I'm worried I'll somehow be a bad aunt… a bad influence I guess. Worried my weirdness will rub off on her, I guess. Still, I'm really, really excited. It feels so good to have someone to love without restraint. The only one who knows that kind of love right now would be my cat. :p It's hard to give people that pure unfiltered love and affection. There's a lot of risk involved. If anything, this kid is going to be surrounded by people who love her. I guess I want to give her the sort of unconditional love I never had. Every kid deserves it. I want her to have the best chance possible at a good life.

*I don't have an internet connection at home, so I'll either be moving this post to my tablet or a jump drive and copying and pasting it online from there when I get to the library. This is going to suck once it starts snowing. ._.

p.s. I so appreciate the kind comments that were left on my blog posts yesterday. 🙂 Thank you.