Hi. I am a 30 year old female living in California, single mother to 2 sons. I have been living with depression for over 10 years (at least made aware of). In my teens my family suffered the lost of my 2 year old nephew in a unforeseen accident. In my early adulthood, I was raped by a friend and his friends; one of those scenarios where I went to drink (one of my first times) thinking it was the cool thing to do and I was safe since I was amongst friends—i had no intention in seeking sex. I was peer pressured into drinking more—I had no clue the effects of alcohol or limits it presented to my own body. I thought we were all drinking (years later I realized I was the only one being given shots); I blacked out. I remember being dragged to a car, waking up (in and out of sleep) and things were being done to me by more than one guy. I was so ashamed, all I did was confront my friend for what had taken place—I was naive and perhaps even dumb to do anything else. I told my parents to which I was told “it was my fault.” Then I found myself in a relationship where I had 2 children; the relationship dissolved when my partner cheated after we had our first child; in that time I had also experienced episodes of emotional outbursts and fits of sadness/crying—I was not aware of a depression at that time or PTSD. After sometime, I got back together with my partner and we had our second child; I had complications and after having my second child; I had to get a hysterectomy due to precancer. My relationship dissolved in that ordeal. I attempted suicide 2 in one year; was hospitalized and treated with meds. Diagnosed PTSD, depression, and personality disorder. I had been a couple bad relationships over the year but decided to make a change: work, friends, family, and everything. Found myself in a new “healthy” relationship; for 3 years I thought I had made positive changes in my life for my kids and I. Just a couple of weeks ago, my partner dumped claiming my depression had never improved, he no longer cared about my “feelings”, he cannot be in a relationship with me and concentrate on his goals with work and school. This all happened over a petty argument; and from what I feel was completely out of the blue. This was the one relationship where I had been very honest with my past, my faults/difficulties with managing my depression (w/out medication), and really contribute, support, and love someone. He hasn’t seen me or contacted me since the breakup; hasn’t even said anything to my children—in which he was involved and participated with them on a weekly basis. I am lost; trying not to feel completely disillusioned because there were a lot of positive things that we had experienced over those 3 years. I had helped him get into school, even helped him with his studies, took trips, spent holidays together, family outings, etc. I had expressed concerns about our differences in communication styles when it came to an argument, and told him I would not have my depression always be the scapegoat issue to an unwillingness to compromise in finding a solution—previous to the breakup. Even in the moments of the breakup, I begged for him “not to give up on me”—already in that moment I was blaming myself for all the bad.
i know there is a lot to this blog. I just don’t want to be here beating myself up for the loosing of a relationship and more so having to explain to my children that this person will no longer be in our lives. He stated to me that he was “just their friend” never wanting to be a “father figure”. I don’t know if I was just chasing after a dream/hope of having a family again. I don’t if those of us that live with depression are better off alone. Right now there feels like a lot of unknowns. I attempted to live a “normal life”…but sometimes feels like that will never be possible.
Whatever insight or additional resources will help. I no longer want to be tied down to this inner conflict—I just want a life that feels free and full of love for my children and I.