My insomnia is getting the best of me again currently, and has been the last couple of nights. Tonight it's mostly because I'm angry with my husband, but it's also stress. Sometimes I wish my significant other wasn't significant at all. Sometimes I wish it were just me and the animals, and maybe my son. (I know, I sound like a terrible person for saying "maybe my son", but he's a good deal of stress and heartache too these days.)

Once again I find myself wishing for a small cottage in the woods in the mountains, where I could surround myself with books, animals, nature, tranquility and finding myself. I'd also be surrounded by God, but I'm beginning to wonder what my true beliefs are ~ I am SO attracted to nature and see the Divine abundance and beauty and love there the most. I guess I'm kind of having an existential crisis? Well, not really a crisis, just a serious issue of trying to find my personal way to connect with my higher power. And not so much that I have an issue with the fact that I'm questioning everything, but of what friends and family will think about it when I tell them, because they'll inevitably ask, and I don't lie.

There it is again ~ that pesky desire to please others despite what I myself need. I have to stop letting it stop me from doing what's best for myself and the people that depend on me.

It's a little after 4 a.m. and I've already gone outside to try to see the meteor shower for the 2nd night in a row, but haven't seen anything tonight at all. We only saw a handful last night. But what we did see were beautiful, so I count us lucky. 🙂

I spent the whole day at home alone on Saturday. My husband's mom called and asked him to come up and build her above-ground pool for her. Well, her words were 'to HELP build the pool' but we all know how that goes… Anyhow, I didn't want to go. Yesterday was the hottest day of the year so far for us, about 95 degrees and no breeze, and I refused to cook myself for her benefit. Sorry mom-in-law. Been getting cooked outside at my new job enough as it is the last week. (More on that later.) So, my husband and son were gone for over 6 hours. At first I enjoyed it, the alone-time, but after hour 4 I started to get aggravated. He had told me he only intended to be there for a couple of hours at most. I should've known that it wouldn't happen like that. Whenever his mom is involved, it always takes twice as long as promised.

Anyway, to make a long story shorter, they got home around 4 p.m. A whole day of our weekend gone. No big deal right, because we're having Memorial Day weekend? No ~ he's working on Monday.

So I ask if we could go to the beach for a couple of hours since the days are long and the sun was lower in the sky, hence not as hot. No, let's go tomorrow. Okay, I understand. You've been outside with your mom all day. Oh, wait ~ it only took you 2 hours to put the pool up? So what happened to the other 4 hours? (Can you tell I'm getting aggravated now?) Fine. We'll go to the beach tomorrow.

Cue in text message sound on his phone; …I say, if that's your boss, you're NOT working tonight… No, it's not my boss. My Mom wants us to come over for the day tomorrow to go swimming because my sister is going to be home. (She's home almost every weekend, she only lives an hour away.)

I start to see red…not only is he serious about wanting to go, but he says this IN FRONT of our son, which is a dirty tactic to get his way. Because now, in order to do what he originally agreed to do (which was go to the beach with our son and myself) means that I have to disappoint my son. I reached my limit, cussed at him quietly to which he looked at me with feign innocence and hurt, and I walked off downstairs and took a shower to get away from him. I was pissed off enough that I had locked the downstairs door without knowing it, so he couldn't get in. I found it rather interesting in retrospect that I did this, because I actually left the bathroom door unlocked because I knew he would want to come in and talk to me while I showered. It's a damn good thing he couldn't! I would have done some really serious damage to our relationship if he had.

I got out of the shower, and at one point I had heard knocking on the door (I assumed it was the bathroom door, because I didn't remember locking the main door) so I came out ready for battle. But there was no one there. I looked at the lock on the main door, stumped…did HE lock us in? Why would he do that? So I wandered into the bedroom area and I was alone. Mystified, I realized I must have done it somehow, though I don't remember doing it and had conciously made a decision NOT to do it so that if we were going to argue it could be while we were alone in our bedroom.

I relaxed some. I unlocked the door, turned on the air conditioner, picked up a book, got comfortable on the bed and started reading. At one point he came down and got in the shower, but one look from me made him realize that trying to talk to me was a very poor decision, so he left for upstairs again. I kept reading.

At 10 p.m. I finally put my book down and decided to go upstairs to get my son ready for bed since it was late, but they were on their way down. I kissed Zach goodnight and tucked him in, and then uncomfortably stood in the bathroom doorway while my husband stood a couple feet away and looked around in silence. It didn't get much better. I eventually laid down in bed, and he wanted to cuddle, but I just laid there, too irritated to bother responding in any way.

I eventually fell asleep, but bad dreams plagued me. I woke myself (and Aaron) up yelling in my sleep, and then at another point I was thrashing around and kicked the wall. I gave up. Sleep was not coming.

So here I am, 2 hours later, still awake, no longer angry but tired and irritated. I think I'll go lie down on my 'other' bed (the couch in the den) ~ it's where I take my naps.

Wish me well. I need the sleep. I hope you all have had a better weekend than I have had so far. There's a lot more to talk about, but I'm worn out and want to get some sleep while it's still dark outside or else I'm doomed to be awake for another 8 hours or so. Ugh.

Take care of yourselves. I love you my friends and apologize for my rant but needed to get this off my chest so maybe I could sleep.

Write again soon. (((((HUGS))))))