I can't deal with things anymore. I can't figure out what to do. Having a bit of an anxiety attack now since I'm stressed about not knowing what to tell the doctor tomorrow. I didn't want more meds but then I can't sleep but I can't sleep anyway. And now with all this stress and anxiety and depression I need something to help the most. But I'm so sick of switching and side effects. I want to be done with this. This medicine gives me horrible insomnia. The last one made me so irritable I started disliking kids when I used to love them. The one before that made my hair fall out like crazy, which just made me depressed. The one for focus made me lose my appetite and get really underweight. These meds aren't worth it. I don't want them. But I can't deal with this stress. That's the worst right now.

I find myself getting really anxious about things I've done for years, to the point where I dread things for weeks. I've never had an anxiety attack over seeing the doctor before. I just don't know what to do. The one medicine I mostly like I have to quit since it's so expensive. I don't want a bunch of drugs for depression and stress and insomnia. I want to be drug free. Why do all these meds have some side effect that could kill me? That's terrible.

If my stress is this bad now, I feel I'm gonna lose my mind. I still have at least 6-13 months left to be stressed about this. I can't do it. I just can't. I want to just never exist so I don't have to deal with this. It's like I lose no matter what. I'm already resorting to self harm more often lately. What will I be like in the coming months as I only get more stressed? I'm going to lose it. I feel like I just want to rip myself apart.