It's getting so hard to do this, just living every day. I wake up hating the day and I just want to stay in bed forever and not wake up. I'm too stressed to talk to people about whats bothering me. I've never felt like such a fuck up and been so unhappy before, ever. I can't even hide my sadness with a smile anymore, it's impossible and everyone around me notices. I can't even name three things that are going right in my life right now. I feel like God doesn't want me to succeed and put up every possible barrier and obstacle so there is no possible way I can overcome them. I fear my future and don't even want to be in it.
My mind is so scary to be inside, and it is a constant battle. even my counselor said how my brain takes the truth and completely twists it so I have no way of knowing what is real and true. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I really don't even want to be happy anymore, I'm scared of it. Im more comfortable being upset and sad all the time, its easier than pretending. I hate who I am completely and don't understand why I'm even here. It doesn't make sense why God wouldn't just kill me so I could maybe be happy. I know I will not make my dreams come true or amount to anything at all in life. No one understands this, they just say Im being dramatic but can't even imagine what this feels like. They think its a joke and I should just get over it. I can't even get into my doctors office to go on medicine, and I am doing this compeltely alone. And I forgot to mention I also have panic disorder and anxiety attacks are a common occurence. I really don't know how much more of this I can handle. Someone help.