Just a warning that this is a rant and will be unapologetically self pitying and whiny.
I’m having a super rough day and there is no way I can go home early from work. I hate what’s happening inside me. This depression has stolen my joy and put a haze on every positive emotion I used to feel. The only time I feel anything deeply is when I’m sad, angry, or anxious – and just like I can’t get in control of my sadness – I’m having an almost impossible time getting control of my anger today.
I work with kids – and I love them – but today they’re being so awful I want to scream and cry and walk out of the room and just leave work entirely. I feel like I have absolutely no ability to cope with stress anymore. Anything and everything can send me into a huge downward spiral – and I don’t have the luxury of letting that affect my work – or go home early.
On top of this – of course today would be a day I’m getting hit up from every angle to go out and be social tonight. I hate that people think that guilting me because I’m moving is somehow a compliment. I wish I could explain to them that I don’t even like myself anymore – or anything I used to love – and although I can rationally appreciate the fact that they just want to be around me because they love me…I don’t care enough about anything anymore to try and maintain the friendships. I wish this depression didn’t make me so fucking reclusive. I just want to be like I was before and love my friends again. I don’t even remember what it feels like to want to be around people.
Ugh. I just can’t wait to go home.